Most unfortunately, in order to speak of this next topic, I will have to address something fetid and repulsive. I’m going to talk about an aspect of intercourse that is often lost, forgotten, feared...
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As if singing songs, holding hands, and swallowing millennia-year-old dogma in the name of Christ’s gift of salvation every Sunday weren’t enough, Easter — the made-up day of Jesus’s cloud-mou...
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Nation. People. Literate UCSB students. I come before you today to offer a study that will revolutionize science. Its elegance, infallibility, and pure genius will force the Nobel committee to establi...
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Have you ever been sitting around, shootin’ the shit with your friends, when all of a sudden you stop and realize you’ve all essentially hooked up with one another? All right, before you judge me,...
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Most college students are pretty unhappy with Congress right about now and rightfully so. With huge cuts to education and high unemployment especially among recent college graduates, the Republican ma...
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I’m diagnosed with a variety of psychiatric conditions: bipolar I disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, ADHD and a learning disability called dyscalculia. As a teenager I battled anorexia nervosa....
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I’ve got bad news for those of you who like to jog or hike around the Coal Oil Point Reserve. You will discover that while you were all away for Christmas break, the university has blocked off, and ...
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Welcome back Gauchoans, and Happy New Year! 2012 is destined to be a doozy. Not only will it be the final year of our lives, but in November we will decide who the final president of the United Stat...
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Just when you thought the creepy crawlies from Halloween were long gone, you’ve noticed that a whole new family of bugs and rodents has arrived. It seems like your rental is falling apart, practical...
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Sometimes getting laid isn’t the problem; the problem is answering the booty call. No, I’m not talking about the girls who fight with themselves about their morals at 2:30 in the morning: “I’m...
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Last week, Palestine officially joined UNESCO, the UN’s educational, scientific and cultural organization, as its newest member. The vote approving Palestine’s membership was overwhelming; 107 mem...
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I am inundated with unwanted mail, including local publications. For example, The Montecito Messenger began sending me its newspaper, which I never requested. Not wanting to receive it at my home, I ...
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Upon coming to the United States on a Fulbright Teaching scholarship, I became familiar with the lively American spirit and culture. During my time as a teaching associate at the University of Califor...
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This week’s question: How would you handle raising children with a religious spouse? I have often contemplated my future life as a father. To have a son would be both awesome and fucking terrifying ...
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“No Chick-fil-A sauce?”
The Jojo Siwa dance
“It’s like I’m just partying every single weekend…”
“No sleep! Bus, club, another club”
"Baddie Baddie shot O’Clock"
“Berries and Cream…”
“Umm I never went to oovoo Javer”
“You spilled lipstick in my Valentino white bag”
“STOP, I could’ve dropped my croissant”
The Henry Danger memes
“Play Dress To Impress with my baddies”
“You are now one of my elite employees”
