Hello. My name is Kera, and I’m a drunk dialer. It’s been a rough seven weeks, two days and about 13 hours, but I’m finally cured. If it weren’t for the support of my sponsor, Sext Message, I might be stuck in a ditch right now, expressing my absolute obsession with the 69 position to my grandmother. Let’s have a round of applause for this incredible phenomenon, shall we?

It was a Sunday morning almost two months ago when I first realized I had a problem. Going through my phone records from the tequila-themed evening before, I discovered that my latest boy-toy had received no less than three — count them, THREE — phone calls from me in the 1 a.m. to 3 a.m. range and included what I’m sure were ultra-classy voicemails. Well, that explains my celibate weekend. With the development of sexting and pedophile-perfect cameras, inappropriate phone calls have become a thing of the past. Gone are the days of leaving voice messages boasting that you’re “a dumb slut with a hiccup long tongue.” Evidently that’s not much of a turn-on.

New technological innovations allow the coeds of our generation to convey their booty call invitations more colorfully than those that came before us. Sexting, for those of you still using pagers and carrier pigeons, is a flirtatious method of text messaging that usually includes nude photos, suggestive language and/or downright dirty talk. To avoid slurring to your late-night rendezvous, send him a photo of your lace-covered rack next to the Storke Tower stairs. Your bell will be ringing in no time.

For the camera-phobic, or those whose camera phone hasn’t been the same ever since that bong water incident, sending a raunchy message is a fun way to indicate that you are so very ready for the afterparty to begin. I asked some UCSB students to share with me some examples of their favorite sexts to send and receive. Here are a few of the results (Note that the following phrases may offend those with delicate sensibilities or a dangerous attachment to musically-inclined dwarfs):

“I gotta touch you right now.”
“Come over! I’ll make it worth your while…”
“I’m gonna show you what it’s like to fuck an Oompa-Loompa.”
“I had no idea going commando was so liberating ;)”
“Meet me in [my roommate’s] bed in 20?”
“Cant find my G-spot. Cum help.”

If you’re shooting blanks trying to think of an appropriate inappropriate sext, stick to the basics. Men, tell her how sexy she is, or that you can’t stand the hussies your roommates brought over who are currently drawing on the wall in green sharpie and you absolutely NEED to see her. And ok, throw a winky-face in there for good measure. Ladies, I see nothing wrong about letting it slip that you recently got a Brazilian wax. And don’t you think he’d like to know that you’re thinking about his super-massive, rock-hard johnson? Yeah… me too. Spend some quality time devising your own personalized message. I can’t think of a better use of your college education.

Drunk dialing isn’t the only disease that technology can cure. Ever heard of a web cam? Directly translated, the phrase means “infinite possibilities,” but essentially it’s a device that facilitates private porn. When your significant other decides to abandon you to the temptations of Isla Vista while they romp around Europe smoking cigs and cursing cobblestones, that cute little square at the top of your monitor will become your best friend. Find a quiet corner (my former roommate turned the garage into her personal porn set), and show your weary traveler just how much you miss them right there, and right there, and right there.

I’ll miss the drunk dials — they represented a simpler time (2009). But it’s a new decade, and I’m determined not to fall behind the times. Now if I could only figure out how to photoshop my face onto Jenna Jameson’s body…