Ah, Spring. It has arrived in full bloom, along with cloudless skies and girls in bikinis and UGGs working on their February tans. As the weather continues its persistent custom of cycling from warm to cold and back again, I can’t help but think of the other cycles in our quaint little town: bicycles, menstrual cycles, the cycle of resolutionists frequenting or avoiding the gym depending on the season and, most regular of all, the Ex-cycle.
It’s hard to place a finger on what prompts the encore performance of partners from hook-ups past, but mark my words — they ALWAYS come back. It doesn’t matter if you were madly in love for two and half years, if you slept together for two and a half weeks, or if you made out violently for two and half hours against a parked car on the 66 block of Sabado (yes, I saw you). After X number of months, the Ex always cycles back into your life. And your text message inbox. With the first signs of this regeneration comes the opportunity to either re-EXperience the relationship, or let it EXpire.
I’ve dated enough people to know that a has-been hookup has the potential to be a charming co-star in your XXX rendition of “The Return of the Ex.” While I myself am not a huge proponent of casting yourself in a sequel that’ll probably fall short of the original (think “Bring it On Again,” “Bring it On: All or Nothing,” “Bring it On: In It to Win It”), it’s hard to deny the chemistry that once EXisted between two top-notch performers. If you took your final bows amicably, there’s a good chance your trip down memory lane will lead right into a game of “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” which everyone likes because, well, everyone wins. Also, you’re comfortable with each other. There will be no awkward erection spoilers when you realize that his testicles are a suspicious shade of green or that her vagina has teeth, because you already know what’s going on down there. If your breakup scene came straight out of “The Exorcist,” fear not. It’s likely that all that demonic anger from the past will translate into high-energy EXercise. This could be a great opportunity to wow your virginity-stealer with your impressive new moves. I bet he’ll be proud that you finally learned how to deep throat! Just don’t tell him how many intermediate partners helped you master it. Six? Twelve? Who’s counting?
Before you send that emoticon-filled sext inviting your Ex over for some good old fashioned dry humping, however, consider these two words: False EXpectations. That’s correct, my little sex-addicted horn dogs — Ex Sex might suck… and not the oral sex kind of sucking. It might blow… and not the “job” kind of blowing. Let’s face it: once you’ve EXtinguished the lusty passion, re-sparking the flame is hard… and not the erection kind of hard.
First, there’s a reason you two aren’t still gorging on each other’s naked bodies on the reg. Maybe she dumped you without so much as an EXplanation and it bruised your cute little ego, or maybe he was a habitual early-ejaculator. Regardless, keep in mind that your hiatus has probably not fixed your original issues. Second, novelty in bed: good; repetition in bed: boring. That’s not to say that you don’t have some never-before-seen backbends to bring to the sheets this time around, but you might be too comfortable together to bust out those X-rated moves. Raise your hand if you want to resort to predictable positions simply for the gratification of re-conquering your Ex. Yeah. I thought so.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve temporarily un-axed an Ex a time or two, and it usually leaves me quite the satisfied skank. You can’t blame a girl for indulging in a blast from the past… and yes, I do mean that kind of blast.