When my English professor asked our class what we did over Winter Break, I kept my mouth shut. I wasn’t prepared to inform 38 strangers that I spent my vacation investigating Santa Barbara’s sexual delights. And no, I’m not talking about roofies. Following my mother’s advice to act my age, I paid a visit to The Adult Store — also known as Santa Barbara’s sexually expressive dopplegänger — where I found a plethora of goodies that just might elicit a whole new round of New Year’s resolutions.

Overwhelmed by never-ending stacks of porn and penis-shaped cookie-cutters, I sought assistance from one of the store’s knowledgeable employees. Joe Lopez, who has worked at The Adult Store for about three years, had enough information on the world of novelty toys to fill an entire issue of the Nexus. He led me straight to the staggering collection of female pleasure tools. I felt myself get hard.

For vibrator amateurs, Joe recommended My First Vibe, a simple phallic-shaped vibrator that will help you get off without any fuss.

“This is good for girls who look at vibrators and go: ‘You want me to put that WHERE?'” he said.

The Velvet Vibe is a 7-inch work of art clothed in a soft, sexy material that Joe said gives it a baby powder feeling. While I lusted after these first two toys, what I felt for the iVibe Rabbit can’t be described as anything other than true love. Sure, I appreciated the Rabbit’s pink head and pearl-infused shaft, but I fell for its mind-blowing personality. The 10-inch phenomenon contains multiple function settings… and don’t forget about the clit-stimulator! Between the opposite directional rotations of the head and the pearl-stuffed shaft, and the pulsating or vibrating stimulator (yes, you get to pick!), it almost seems like the creators of this device were trying to stop women from having partnered sex. Don’t fret, though — the pleasures of vibrators are not limited to women. Place the vibrator around his balls and penis during coitus. It may not have cute floppy ears, but this Rabbit could be a couple’s new favorite pet in no time.

If you’re eager to try a standing sex position, or want to experience this without the fear of dropping your partner, check out the Door Jam Cuffs. The device consists of wrist cuffs connected to a door strap using velcro and metal snaps. The contraption is secured to the door using no-damage tubes, and, according to the picture on the front, looks like it will make your sex life akin to that of Tyler Durden and Marla Singer. Damn, I should have put this on my Christmas list.

For couples who are interested in the benefits of bondage, the Fetish Kit may be just the ticket. Complete with cuffs, a whip and a silky-soft blindfold, this package has everything you need to free your inner wild child. Ready to graduate to the next level? The Ultimate Fantasy Kit comes with a blindfold, a feather tickler, an inflatable position master (no, really), handcuffs, a whip, warming lotion, a Do It Doggie Harness and more. The best part? It comes in different colors.

The Adult Shop has plenty to offer by way of lubricants, which is a great place to start if you want to go from hot and bothered to “OH YA, RIGHT THERE, YES, YES, YES!” Joe raved about Pink, a line of lube that is glycerine-free and contains Vitamin E and aloe vera, so it’s good for your skin and feels oh-so-silky.

“This is also great for massages or in the shower,” Joe said. I dabbed a little on my finger. Instant erection.

The Adult Store obviously has a lot to offer the sexually active, but my favorite toy was the Clone-A-Willy Kit. Personalize your vibrator by cloning your man’s dong! And, being politically correct, the shop carries this product in chocolate. Nuts optional.

It’s a new year, and there’s no better time to try something new. Put away those “Twilight” action figures, stop by your local Adult Store, and let the games begin!