“When the Government Puts the Interest of the Few Above the Interests of the Many, It’s Time for a Change”

A long, long time ago a group of guys got together to solve a problem they all had: mainly, they weren’t making enough money. They were all hardy, entrepreneurial folk blessed with a classical liberal arts education, a strong work ethic and the wealth necessary to put it into play. Despite this, they were angry. […]

Fifth-Years Know Best: Get Your Ass Off the Curb, Freshman

Well … After four years of sweaty adolescent suffering you’ve made it. Congratufuckinglations, and welcome to UCSB. Welcome to a university so totally awesome that even today the occasional moron will call it “The Harvard of The West,” not realizing that, in fact, comparisons to Harvard only make Harvard look bad. Because this is it. […]

Who Knows What Awesomeness Hides in the Mist?

I like Isla Vista in the fog. People whisper and walk deliberately. Loud music gets muted, and streetside joint smoke disappears like it never was. In the dark, even the bros take off their imitation Ray-Bans for fear of walking into a hidden street sign. Particles of mist whirl around in the streetlight’s beam like […]

The Real World: Ready or Not, Here It Comes, Seniors

A while ago, when I was a much wilder and uncivilized version of the gentleman scholar that I am today, I found myself stranded in Lima, Peru for two weeks. I’m not particularly sure how or why, because Lima is not by any measure a particularly interesting or beautiful city, but hey, there it is. […]

A Little Neighborly Kindness Goes a Long Way in Isla Vista

I was walking home late one Friday night when I was stopped by a crying girl. Instantly I was suspicious. Before college, it seemed like girls cried all the time; if you made fun of their hair or forgot an anniversary or if there was a potential pregnancy — there was just no telling what […]

Cops Are Elected To Keep Order, Not Create Chaos

Sometimes I fear for the Bear Flag Republic. I was walking through our beloved Isla Vista around midnight. It was a weekday and the streets were quiet. The air was warm and peaceful, pregnant with the reek of the juicy, dank joint I had in my front pocket. I was going to the beach. I […]

Casual Sex in Isla Vista Visits Lovers With Loneliness

Sex is crazy. I know. That statement is about as obvious as a polar bear. But hang on. What I’m about to say might not be. I think about sex a lot. I think about it when I wake up. I think about it in the shower. I think about it while I whip up […]

Drinking Columnist Weighs In On Floatopia Debate

Floatopia. Oh yeah, baby, this is a hot-button issue.

Impoverished, Veteran Debauch Warns Against Excessive Sobriety

A drug commercial for your consideration: The screen is black. A heart monitor rhythmically beeps in the background. The screen slowly blinks twice. It reveals two, faintly blurry masked doctors standing over the camera.

Isla Vista Degenerate Considers Best Locations for Enjoying Debauchery

“Don’t fuck around.” A simple ethos, perhaps, but a powerful one. Don’t fuck around — a philosophy proven to flavor friendships, enrich experiences and stave off the humdrum of our happy existence.

In Defense of the Degeneracy, Revisionist Civil War Narrative Comes to Life

April 10, 1861: It appears war has come to our gay and God-fearing lands.

Chris Creates Titillating New Column: ‘Ask a Pagan’

I have recently noticed, with increasing unease, the growing presence of religiously oriented content in the public sphere here at UCSB and Isla Vista.

Program Board’s WillieJ Rocks Isla Vista Open-Mic Nights

Some would say the best feature of the I.V. party scene is the legions of scrumdiddliumptious women (and men) who roam the streets like a wild pack of chinchillas, force-fed an exclusive diet of Spanish Fly and spiced rum.

A Time for Everything Under the Influence

Holy tap-dancing crap on a cracker — it’s 2011!

Jacket Season Brings Warmth to Bros and Pockets to Prepared Partygoers

Fall is finally here. I know this to be a fact for a few reasons. It’s now getting dark at five, which makes me sad because it radically cuts into my day drinking.