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“When the Government Puts the Interest of the Few Above the Interests of the Many, It’s Time for a Change”

A long, long time ago a group of guys got together to solve a problem they all had: mainly, they weren’t making enough money. They were all hardy, entrepreneurial folk blessed with a classical liber...
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Fifth-Years Know Best: Get Your Ass Off the Curb, Freshman

Well … After four years of sweaty adolescent suffering you’ve made it. Congratufuckinglations, and welcome to UCSB. Welcome to a university so totally awesome that even today the occasional moron ...
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Who Knows What Awesomeness Hides in the Mist?

I like Isla Vista in the fog. People whisper and walk deliberately. Loud music gets muted, and streetside joint smoke disappears like it never was. In the dark, even the bros take off their imitation ...
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The Real World: Ready or Not, Here It Comes, Seniors

A while ago, when I was a much wilder and uncivilized version of the gentleman scholar that I am today, I found myself stranded in Lima, Peru for two weeks. I’m not particularly sure how or why, bec...
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A Little Neighborly Kindness Goes a Long Way in Isla Vista

I was walking home late one Friday night when I was stopped by a crying girl. Instantly I was suspicious. Before college, it seemed like girls cried all the time; if you made fun of their hair or forg...
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Cops Are Elected To Keep Order, Not Create Chaos

Sometimes I fear for the Bear Flag Republic. I was walking through our beloved Isla Vista around midnight. It was a weekday and the streets were quiet. The air was warm and peaceful, pregnant with the...
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Casual Sex in Isla Vista Visits Lovers With Loneliness

Sex is crazy. I know. That statement is about as obvious as a polar bear. But hang on. What I’m about to say might not be. I think about sex a lot. I think about it when I wake up. I think about it ...
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Drinking Columnist Weighs In On Floatopia Debate

Floatopia. Oh yeah, baby, this is a hot-button issue.
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Impoverished, Veteran Debauch Warns Against Excessive Sobriety

A drug commercial for your consideration: The screen is black. A heart monitor rhythmically beeps in the background. The screen slowly blinks twice. It reveals two, faintly blurry masked doctors stand...
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Isla Vista Degenerate Considers Best Locations for Enjoying Debauchery

“Don’t fuck around.” A simple ethos, perhaps, but a powerful one. Don’t fuck around — a philosophy proven to flavor friendships, enrich experiences and stave off the humdrum of our happy exi...
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In Defense of the Degeneracy, Revisionist Civil War Narrative Comes to Life

April 10, 1861: It appears war has come to our gay and God-fearing lands.
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Chris Creates Titillating New Column: ‘Ask a Pagan’

I have recently noticed, with increasing unease, the growing presence of religiously oriented content in the public sphere here at UCSB and Isla Vista.
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Program Board’s WillieJ Rocks Isla Vista Open-Mic Nights

Some would say the best feature of the I.V. party scene is the legions of scrumdiddliumptious women (and men) who roam the streets like a wild pack of chinchillas, force-fed an exclusive diet of Spani...
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A Time for Everything Under the Influence

Holy tap-dancing crap on a cracker — it’s 2011!
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Jacket Season Brings Warmth to Bros and Pockets to Prepared Partygoers

Fall is finally here. I know this to be a fact for a few reasons. It’s now getting dark at five, which makes me sad because it radically cuts into my day drinking.
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