Chris Benham

October 21, 2011

“When the Government Puts the Interest of the Few Above the Interests of the Many, It’s Time for a Change”

By Chris Benham

A long, long time ago a group of guys got together to solve a problem they all had: mainly, they weren’t making enough money. They were all hardy, entrepreneurial folk blessed with a classical liberal arts education, a...

September 23, 2011

Fifth-Years Know Best: Get Your Ass Off the Curb, Freshman

By Chris Benham

Well … After four years of sweaty adolescent suffering you’ve made it. Congratufuckinglations, and welcome to UCSB. Welcome to a university so totally awesome that even today the occasional moron will call it “The ...

May 24, 2011

Who Knows What Awesomeness Hides in the Mist?

By Chris Benham

I like Isla Vista in the fog. People whisper and walk deliberately. Loud music gets muted, and streetside joint smoke disappears like it never was. In the dark, even the bros take off their imitation Ray-Bans for fear of...

May 23, 2011

The Real World: Ready or Not, Here It Comes, Seniors

By Opinion Editor, Chris Benham

A while ago, when I was a much wilder and uncivilized version of the gentleman scholar that I am today, I found myself stranded in Lima, Peru for two weeks. I’m not particularly sure how or why, because Lima is not by ...

May 6, 2011

A Little Neighborly Kindness Goes a Long Way in Isla Vista

By Chris Benham

I was walking home late one Friday night when I was stopped by a crying girl. Instantly I was suspicious. Before college, it seemed like girls cried all the time; if you made fun of their hair or forgot an anniversary or...

April 28, 2011

Cops Are Elected To Keep Order, Not Create Chaos

By Chris Benham, Opinion Editor

Sometimes I fear for the Bear Flag Republic. I was walking through our beloved Isla Vista around midnight. It was a weekday and the streets were quiet. The air was warm and peaceful, pregnant with the reek of the juicy, ...

April 15, 2011

Casual Sex in Isla Vista Visits Lovers With Loneliness

By Chris Benham

Sex is crazy. I know. That statement is about as obvious as a polar bear. But hang on. What I’m about to say might not be. I think about sex a lot. I think about it when I wake up. I think about it in the shower. I thi...

April 8, 2011

Drinking Columnist Weighs In On Floatopia Debate

By Chris Benham

Floatopia. Oh yeah, baby, this is a hot-button issue.

March 4, 2011

Impoverished, Veteran Debauch Warns Against Excessive Sobriety

By Chris Benham

A drug commercial for your consideration: The screen is black. A heart monitor rhythmically beeps in the background. The screen slowly blinks twice. It reveals two, faintly blurry masked doctors standing over the camera.

February 18, 2011

Isla Vista Degenerate Considers Best Locations for Enjoying Debauchery

By Chris Benham

“Don’t fuck around.” A simple ethos, perhaps, but a powerful one. Don’t fuck around — a philosophy proven to flavor friendships, enrich experiences and stave off the humdrum of our happy existence.

February 11, 2011

In Defense of the Degeneracy, Revisionist Civil War Narrative Comes to Life

By Chris Benham

April 10, 1861: It appears war has come to our gay and God-fearing lands.

February 7, 2011

Chris Creates Titillating New Column: ‘Ask a Pagan’

By Chris Benham

I have recently noticed, with increasing unease, the growing presence of religiously oriented content in the public sphere here at UCSB and Isla Vista.

February 4, 2011

Program Board’s WillieJ Rocks Isla Vista Open-Mic Nights

By Chris Benham

Some would say the best feature of the I.V. party scene is the legions of scrumdiddliumptious women (and men) who roam the streets like a wild pack of chinchillas, force-fed an exclusive diet of Spanish Fly and spiced ru...

January 7, 2011

A Time for Everything Under the Influence

By Chris Benham

Holy tap-dancing crap on a cracker — it’s 2011!

November 19, 2010

Jacket Season Brings Warmth to Bros and Pockets to Prepared Partygoers

By Chris Benham

Fall is finally here. I know this to be a fact for a few reasons. It’s now getting dark at five, which makes me sad because it radically cuts into my day drinking.

November 12, 2010