“Don’t fuck around.”

A simple ethos, perhaps, but a powerful one. Don’t fuck around — a philosophy proven to flavor friendships, enrich experiences and stave off the humdrum of our happy existence.

[media-credit name=”Justin Ma” align=”alignleft” width=”205″][/media-credit]And yet, as I move through my day, soaking up solar radiation and ogling gaggles of gorgeous women like it was my job, I can’t help but notice a tremendous amount of “fucking around” happening all around me. Everywhere I go, individuals, groups and institutions seem to be intent on fucking around left, right and center, every chance they get.

For shame.

And so, when I read “The Best of 2011” in our beloved daily paper on Tuesday, I spotted an opportunity to rectify, in my small way, an instance of embarrassingly public fucking around. It wasn’t the decidedly corporate flavor of the compilation, although I hope we were paid well for all that space devoted to the public plugging of businesses devoted to the persistent porking of our waistlines and thinning of our wallets. It wasn’t that the list looked suspiciously like the one from last year (and the year before that). No, it was the irrelevance and the grandiosity of this superb example of fucking around that has my goat in a tizzy. And so, here, for your enjoyment and/or ridicule, is “An I.V. Degenerate’s Best of 2011.”

Best Place To Tan

“Sun’s Out, Guns Out.” Another charmingly simple ideology. In a place like Isla Vista, where the incidence of a year’s worth of inclement weather can be counted on two hands, why fuck around? You can get your bronze on anywhere, anytime … all the time. That being said, we could always use a few more bikinis on campus.
Best Place To Trip on LSD

I don’t know about you, but when I’ve got a head full of acid and a heart full of the wanderlust, I’m trying to climb a really, really tall building. When the sky is melting around my ears and wind that doesn’t exist is tousling my hair, I like a bit of a view. Like a secret surf spot that is only ever alluded to in conversation for fear some kook will overhear and blow up the break, this location will remain unnamed. All I can say is rooftops are awesome, and Peter Parker ain’t got shit on me.

Best Place To Roast Some Buddha

Two years ago, I would have told you one of the benches on the cliff overlooking Devro past the end of the 68 block of DP. But it’s 2011, and we are no longer fucking around. The act of partaking in the perfect herb is no longer relegated to the dank and grimy living rooms of our charming community. In 2011, the best place to enjoy the Devil’s Lettuce is: Everywhere. In the streets, on the beach, on the way to class, while having a beer … wherever. Don’t fuck around.
Best Place To Get Jiggy

Based off the amount of used condoms in the street lying around after a night of boisterous debauchery, it might look like one of the most popular places to get your bones jumped is right on the asphalt of any main street in I.V. after three in the morning. That seems a bit strange to me, but then again, these are people who are clearly not fucking around, and I can respect that.

No, if you sport the double X, I would have to say the best place for a little carnal indulgence is a certain drinking columnist’s queen-sized bed. If you’ve only got one, then I’d say the best place for sex is wherever you can damn well find it. Don’t fuck around.

Best Bro-Derived Word

Brodeo. (bro-deo) noun — A less crude synonym for “cock fest” or “sausage fest,” ‘brodeo’ is a combination of the words ‘bro’ and ‘rodeo,’ meaning a large, riotous, male-dominated gathering of bros, usually participating in typical brotivities. Occasionally, at a brodeo, you will witness a behavior commonly referred to as “bros riding bros.” This is also known as “fucking around.”

Best Place To Enjoy a Dank Brew

I could recommend my favorite brewery in Santa Barbara, but despite repeated solicitations I was rebuffed in my attempt to secure some cash for my endorsement. Instead I will say this — no matter what you’re drinking, or what time of day it is or where you are, there’s only one way to drink your favorite beverage. That’s among good company, great conversation and friends who try their best to never, ever, fuck around.