Weather

Ooooh… Student Government…

April 18, 2005 by

Quick! Drop whatever you're doing now (sitting in lecture, breast-feeding, both, etc.), run to a computer, log on to GOLD and vote for the Weatherhuman for A.S. president.
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There’s the Beef

April 15, 2005 by

Some woman supposedly found part of a human finger in her bowl of Wendy's chili. Isn't it weird how people are always finding toes and chicken heads and razors and shit in fast food?
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Stamp Out Oppression

April 14, 2005 by

Stamp-wielding bastards. The only A.S. candidate who gets free propaganda in the Nexus is me. And even I don't get it on the front page.
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Et Tu, Nexus?

April 13, 2005 by

What the hell, Nexus? For the zillionth year in a row, the paper has failed to endorse the Weatherhuman for A.S. president. My own paper!
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SURRENDER DOROTHY

April 12, 2005 by

Look! In the sky! It
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A.S. Blows (in the Wind)

April 11, 2005 by

The walkway from HSSB to Storke Tower looks like a hurricane came through. Over the weekend, the A.S. campaign signs toppled and splintered, and the gales scattered the pieces like campaign confetti.
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Knuckleheads

April 8, 2005 by

I used to think there was nothing that could drive me to kill - not even Tickle Me Elmo. Then I discovered what it's like to sit next to someone who cracks their knuckles throughout an entire lecture.
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Take the Big Red Challenge

April 7, 2005 by

The big new thing here at the Nexus office is to take a Big Red gum wrapper, lick it and stick it to your forehead. After a minute or so, you'll discover something very newsworthy: It burns! It burns!
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War on Terror, Eh?

April 6, 2005 by

Canadians will now have to show their passports when crossing the U.S. border. I suppose that's a good idea.
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No Sign of Intelligent Life

April 5, 2005 by

Huzzah, it's A.S. election season! I can now officially launch my campaign for A.S. president. What do I have that the other candidates lack, you ask?
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Spring Cleaning

April 4, 2005 by

I don't quite understand why celebrities tend to die in clusters. Johnnie Cochran, Terri Schiavo, the pope and - most tragically - Mitch Hedberg all croaked within a few days of each other, and it see...
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For a Good Time… Don’t Call

March 31, 2005 by

A recent survey by Virgin Mobile found that 95 percent of its cell phone customers dial under the influence (DUI). This is probably larger than the percentage of Americans who believe the world is rou...
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Steep Downhill Grade Ahead

March 30, 2005 by

Public service announcement: Don't try to change your grade on GOLD. My experience tells me that if you wait long enough, your grades will change anyway.
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Disposable Children

March 29, 2005 by

Parents are way too overprotective these days. I've heard stories about parents who won't let their kids walk a block or two from their house unaccompanied.
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That General Time of Year

March 28, 2005 by

Yesterday was the first Sunday after the first full moon following the vernal equinox. That is how the date of Easter is determined each year. Does that make sense to you? Of course it does.
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