Opinion
When I was getting my wisdom teeth pulled two months ago, my dentist commented on how I was "becoming a lady - let me guess! 13?" This leads me to believe that I will have the "FRESHMAN" sign forever ...
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I am not afraid of anthrax; I am afraid of driving, second-hand smoke, AIDS, prostate cancer, smallpox, pneumonia, police brutality, Alzheimer's, heart disease and people who consider L. Ron Hubbard a...
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I don’t get this new female jean style. Massive fading strictly applied to the ass cheeks and thighs make it look like a lot of cowboys ride your saddle. It also looks like you’re going fo...
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In response to Jeff Farrah's ignorant though well-meaning column "U.S. Won Cold War to Free World, Not to Fear Terrorists" (Oct. 17), I would like to propose the following clarifications.
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My fifth-grade class was a lot more competent than A.S. Legislative Council. We got the garbage out of the way early and quickly, so we could move onto the class' important business: eating paste and ...
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There’s a very important piece of legislation going through Congress right now named the USA Act. It would be in your best interest to take the time to learn about it.
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Whenever I interview someone important like a presidential candidate or a celebrity, I don’t imagine them naked. I imagine them with diarrhea. Everyone gets the Runs, even cool people. When you ...
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The six guys in orange vests trying to unclog a Del Playa storm drain today are perfect fractals of all bureaucracy. Five of them supervise. One of them works.
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While imperfect, the United States' Cold War policies carried out, overall, a poetic execution of the Evil Empire by some of the most brilliant minds in the Land of the Free.
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One view that seems to be fairly popular among ignorant, uninformed pacifists is that there is no need for things like military action or such inconvenient heightened security measures (foreign studen...
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Congratulations to UCSB and the Bren Center from a proud UCSB parent ("California's 'Greenest' Building To Open on Campus in January," Sept. 28, 2001).
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Asking students if they are terrorists will not help either. No one fills out a student visa application with, "I would like to study engineering at the California Polytechnic Institute and blow up th...
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In an arena full of fans, not one could sing along with Dylan's own distinctive dialect of the English language.
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People who live here are sick of hearing I.V. criticized - but there is something wrong with this town.
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A werewolf who definitely howled mid make-out
A performative male dressed as Tyler Durden
The mime that somehow made it hot and cool
The ghost of your situationship (no, it’s actually them)
Frat vampire, and your neck will be bleeding
The angel that has definitely never gone out
The literal devil
A prisoner with fake tattoos that you can pretend are real for the night
A sexy cowboy that definitely used the ride line at least four times
A Patrick Bateman who relates a little too much
The witch who asked for your zodiac sign first
A nurse who will leave you needing CPR
