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Thighs of Steel

January 29, 2002 by

Since the abduction of El Canario, I have obtained a new weathercycle. It is approximately 9 feet long, red and weighs about as much as a 1972 Volkswagon Beetle.
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Living Without Vowels: U.S. Needs POW Rules

January 29, 2002 by

Let loose the dogs of war, or, if you're the Bush administration, keep them trapped in kennels of tin and steel with liberal access for poking sticks.
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U.N. Has a Right to Judge POW Treatment

January 29, 2002 by

The recent criticism of the United Nations by Henry Sarria ( "U.S.'s Treatment of Taliban Doesn't Warrant Criticism") is expressive and emotionally persuasive. Its only flaw is the complete lack of fa...
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Weather Phone Transcript

January 28, 2002 by

"Ring Ring" Me: "Hello." Telemarketer: "Hello, may I speak to a Weatherby Huuman."
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Face Off: Should Los Padres National Forest Be Open to Oil Drills?

January 28, 2002 by

The Forest Service has completed a mineral survey of Los Padres National Forest. It contains 140,000 acres, which may contain large amounts of oil. The Forest Service will now draw up a report outlini...
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Petition to ‘End Racial Profiling’ No Such Thing

January 25, 2002 by

End racial profiling? Is some really wealthy person finally coughing up the money to pay signature-gatherers to put something for the equitable and just treatment of all people on the California ballo...
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This Time, Things Will be Different

January 25, 2002 by

Every quarter I find myself falling into into the same study habits.
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A Conservative Isla Vistan Against Recalling Marshall

January 25, 2002 by

I voted for Larry Mills, but I do not support the recall effort against Gail Marshall. I merely disagree with her policies; I don't consider her patently unworthy to serve out her term.
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Columnist Insults Students Earning Their UC Diplomas

January 25, 2002 by

Most likely he didn't conduct an accurate poll, but it is obvious there are two groups of students at UCSB: students simply wanting to earn a prestigious degree and the research-loving students.
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U.S.’s Treatment of Taliban Doesn’t Warrant Criticism

January 24, 2002 by

As the transfer of al-Qaeda prisoners to Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, continues, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld warns the American public that we've now entered a dangerous phase of the w...
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Anthrax Smanthrax

January 24, 2002 by

The weatherpet uses biological weapons.
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Beware the Man With a Clipboard, Forked Tongue

January 24, 2002 by

Saying politics are dirty may be like saying water is wet, but even if that's the case, county politics are a drenching tsunami of filth.
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The Annoying Has Become the Hunted

January 23, 2002 by

Angry nocturnal elephants roam in my neighborhood.
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How You Can Have Your Significant Other and the Hottie Next Door

January 23, 2002 by

It's said that if it's true love, then you could never bear to live without that person. It's also said that if you truly love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was always yours; if it does...
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Students, Keep Your Votes at Home Where They Belong

January 23, 2002 by

UCSB students probably have had no time, inclination or interest in the results of the 3rd District supervisorial election, but they all did vote and they all are in that district, so here are some re...
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