Nexustentialism
It's satire, stupid.
While UC Santa Barbara students waste their time doing coke off of collapsing beachfront porches, their parents are worried sick. Reliable news sources, only made available on Facebook, have found tha...
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For yet another year, college students are haunted by the ghost of middle school past. When opening gifts on Christmas morning, one can only dream of receiving the trendy Tiffany lamp or Pedro Pascal ...
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Isla Vista’s colder months have arrived and the intense weather has caused great harm to men under 5 feet 6 inches tall. Winds reaching above 20 mph have caught these young men by their basketball s...
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Ladies and gentleman, the poll data is in. Young college students, some of them UC Santa Barbara’s very own, contributed to Donald Trump’s reelection. The reason: Trumpkin Spice Lattes. Yes, you h...
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Dick Thucker was horrified when he woke up the day after the presidential election. Rubbing his bleary eyes, he was shocked to see a huge pregnant belly blocking his feet from view instead of his usua...
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This past week, America has been divided as ever. The UC Santa Barbara community is a perfect snapshot of our country as a whole. Few worked to mobilize, some voted and most can’t really be bothered...
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After a long, arduous search for the individual who truly understands UC Santa Barbara and Isla Vista the best, the senate advisory committee announced today that it will appoint Dave Raccoon as UCSB...
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Let’s paint the scene. It’s a Saturday night. I went out with my friends. That’s what Saturdays are for, right? We got burritos at Freebirds, chilled in the lounge and played blackjack until 2 a...
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UC Santa Barbara’s Environmental Health & Safety has made headlines this week following a loud explosion reported in the building, halting business (which many didn’t even know was happening). As ...
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Some say college is a sexual awakening, a time where the youth can shed the confines of their parents’ disapproval and emerge into their young adulthood as the hot, slinky things they were born to b...
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My name is George Gello, and I’ve been lost in Phelps Hall for seven years. However, I’m still hopeful I’ll get to my class, History of Architecture 3B. In fact, I predict my seven years in a te...
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In an attempt to sway the majority-Democrat population of Isla Vista and secure more votes in his favor, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has promised that if he wins the election, he will...
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Upon reflection, I should’ve known — I should’ve known that the flickering lights in the hallway were a bad omen, the sounds of a ping pong game akin to a funeral dirge and the smiles of passers...
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Are you an undecided voter who can’t bear to choose between the obviously equally-evil candidates on the ballot? Can you not stand to see your country barrel down the path of far-right, totalitarian...
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As a white man with no morals strong enough to form real political views, I was unsure of who to vote for in the upcoming election. Trump’s attempted overthrow of our country wasn’t quite enough t...
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Ride through the bike path without crashing
Find a seat at the red couches on the second floor of the library
Sunrise and sunset dip on the same day
Find parking on Del Playa Drive
Drunk for 24 hours
Bagel crawl
First pick at an Arbor muffin in the morning
Participate in a mosh pit at a band show
Finally talk to their class crush
Get an earlier pass time than their friends in GOLD
Graduate
Successfully walk through I.V. without seeing an old hookup
