Nexustentialism
It's satire, stupid.
Dick Thucker was horrified when he woke up the day after the presidential election. Rubbing his bleary eyes, he was shocked to see a huge pregnant belly blocking his feet from view instead of his usua...
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This past week, America has been divided as ever. The UC Santa Barbara community is a perfect snapshot of our country as a whole. Few worked to mobilize, some voted and most can’t really be bothered...
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After a long, arduous search for the individual who truly understands UC Santa Barbara and Isla Vista the best, the senate advisory committee announced today that it will appoint Dave Raccoon as UCSB...
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Let’s paint the scene. It’s a Saturday night. I went out with my friends. That’s what Saturdays are for, right? We got burritos at Freebirds, chilled in the lounge and played blackjack until 2 a...
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UC Santa Barbara’s Environmental Health & Safety has made headlines this week following a loud explosion reported in the building, halting business (which many didn’t even know was happening). As ...
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Some say college is a sexual awakening, a time where the youth can shed the confines of their parents’ disapproval and emerge into their young adulthood as the hot, slinky things they were born to b...
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My name is George Gello, and I’ve been lost in Phelps Hall for seven years. However, I’m still hopeful I’ll get to my class, History of Architecture 3B. In fact, I predict my seven years in a te...
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In an attempt to sway the majority-Democrat population of Isla Vista and secure more votes in his favor, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has promised that if he wins the election, he will...
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Upon reflection, I should’ve known — I should’ve known that the flickering lights in the hallway were a bad omen, the sounds of a ping pong game akin to a funeral dirge and the smiles of passers...
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Are you an undecided voter who can’t bear to choose between the obviously equally-evil candidates on the ballot? Can you not stand to see your country barrel down the path of far-right, totalitarian...
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As a white man with no morals strong enough to form real political views, I was unsure of who to vote for in the upcoming election. Trump’s attempted overthrow of our country wasn’t quite enough t...
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In an effort to show prospective students the real and unfiltered experience of a student on UC Santa Barbara’s campus, the Office of Admissions announced today that all upcoming and future tours of...
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Habit Burger & Grill in Isla Vista, California, has taken to fucking up orders.
“I ordered a strawberry milkshake,” Heskel Norwood, a UC Santa Barbara student who went to the Habit last Tuesday, ...
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“Hey! Yeah, you! You look pretty tired, do you maybe want to take a seat?”
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UC Santa Barbara has a wide-reaching online presence, able to churn out short “comedic” videos that remind people we have a library. It also reminds the student population that our faculty in char...
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Ride through the bike path without crashing
Find a seat at the red couches on the second floor of the library
Sunrise and sunset dip on the same day
Find parking on Del Playa Drive
Drunk for 24 hours
Bagel crawl
First pick at an Arbor muffin in the morning
Participate in a mosh pit at a band show
Finally talk to their class crush
Get an earlier pass time than their friends in GOLD
Graduate
Successfully walk through I.V. without seeing an old hookup
