Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

May 29, 2025

Best ways to establish dominance over your roommate

By Gentle Giant

Ever wondered how to establish dominance over your roommate? Well look no further, these are the best ways to become the alpha.

May 29, 2025

Best song to play on guitar for girls: Wonderwall

By Kooky

Fellas, get rid of your feminist literature books and false love for matcha, as the fastest way to get ladies to drop their panties in today's day and age is a half-tuned guitar and a semi-courageous, off-key rendition o...

May 29, 2025

Best way to skip lecture

By Serrano Ham

By this time of the year, all you degenerates have already skipped at least one or two lectures. And if you say you haven’t, then you’re a liar and a degenerate. Skipping a lecture is an art form, it can either be a ...

May 29, 2025

Best way to manipulate women: Music

By Calico Critter

Daily Nexus sources have found that the best way to manipulate a woman is to display an interest in her music taste. Upon meeting her, a man should inquire about said music taste, gaining bonus points if they are able to...

May 29, 2025

Best place to walk: Campus bike paths

By Joseph R. Biden

Sometimes, walking on the sidewalks or pathways on campus can be so treacherous. It can be uneven, dusty and humiliating. Thankfully, UC Santa Barbara already has dedicated, even walkways for pedestrians that can take yo...

May 29, 2025

Best way to set your dorm fire alarm off: Aerosol flamethrower

By Jesse Joint

A constant in the life of a residential UCSB student is the ever-present fear of fire alarms going off at any hour, day or night. You have not truly lived in the dorms until you have been on the lawn in just a towel due ...

May 22, 2025

I.V. celebrates AAPI Month by opening another ambiguous Asian restaurant

By Joseph R. Biden

As a Bay Area native, I grew up surrounded by authentic, world-class Asian cuisine. Classic dim sum, delicious pho, fresh sushi and so much more were always within reach. However, I always took issue with these restauran...

May 15, 2025

Groundbreaking: Local white person feels “deep connection” to Hawai‘i

By Joseph R. Biden

Catherine Kegel, a second-year biology major at UC Santa Barbara, announced in her ANTH3 section on Friday that she feels “deeply connected” to the Hawaiian islands after her most recent family vacation. The statemen...

May 15, 2025

The wild side of UCSB emerges from under the cloud cover

By Serrano Ham

Under the hot sun, a pack of creatures gathers in the distance. Creeping through bushes littered with discarded red Solo cups and plastic bags, we get a closer look at these specimens. Here on the Anacapa lawn, we observ...

May 8, 2025

Santa Rosa demolition halted as rat population protests

By Serrano Ham

In the wake of Santa Rosa Residence Hall’s projected demolition in the 2026-27 school year, UC Santa Barbara’s rat population has protested their loss of housing. These rats have established historic colonies within ...

May 8, 2025

Post-midterm clarity: The real degree was the friends we made along the way

By Kelly SLAYter

After failing my midterms, I have reached a moment of enlightenment: The real degree was the friends we made along the way.

May 8, 2025

Depressing! Sophomore mourns meal swipes after trying to cook

By Fart Tent

As a freshman, leaving De La Guerra (DLG) for the first time felt like surviving the apocalypse. Free of the active laxatives they lace their food with, now second-year Jenna Ortega remembered returning to UC Santa Barba...

May 1, 2025

Top 5 recession indicators on campus

By Tiny Tinkle

Have you heard of the “R word?” Well, despite your initial reaction, most news outlets are too scared to write out “recession” (not the other one). But here at Nexustentialism, we aren’t afraid to say it. In fa...

May 1, 2025

A.S. candidates compete in “Ugliest Campaign Sign” contest

By Joseph R. Biden

With the Associated Students elections on the horizon, candidates are taking part in the annual tradition of setting up campaign signs on campus. While the main goal of these signs is to gain supporters, candidates appea...

April 24, 2025

Family tours celebrate 4/20 with students

By Calico Critter

After the University of California system released admission decisions in the early weeks of March, campus tours have substantially increased as prospective students begin to decide which university they will attend. At ...

April 24, 2025

“Weed might be bad for you”? MAHA fearmongering goes too far

By Joseph R. Biden

Vaccines cause autism? Seed oils are bad for you? Raw milk is healthy? Make America Healthy Again (MAHA), Robert Kennedy Jr.’s campaign against scientifically proven American health standards, has spread countless base...