Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Trump announces departure from supervillainhood after losing arch nemesis

July 28, 2024 by

“It’s not the same without him,” said Donald “Joker” Trump, following the loss of his rival, Joe Batman. 
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Help! The girls on the high school tours scare me

July 14, 2024 by

It was a classic spring quarter Sunday: I woke up in a random bed on ‘66 block with nothing but my socks, a raging migraine, and a “man”. Our collective stench was comprised of Marlboro Reds, B....
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Best Arbor Characters

May 30, 2024 by

For any Gaucho, running the gauntlet that is the Arbor walkway is an arduous, unavoidable and annoying-as-fuck task. While every day at the Arbor feels like it offers a new crop of tablers there to ma...
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Best questions to ask during lecture

May 30, 2024 by

Don’t be shy! Asking questions is an important part of the academic process — and a great way to assert yourself over your weak-minded peers! However, not all questions are created equal, so here ...
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UCSB’s Most Pissable Urinals: A Review

May 23, 2024 by and

Let’s set the scene: the smell of newly illegal substances in the air, a smooth bass groove playing in the background and discussion of women’s liberation abound as men with huge afros and unbutto...
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Sex and the unincorporated community: everyone in Cajé can hear your hookup storytime

May 16, 2024 by

“AND THEN, HE ASKED, ‘CAN I CUM IN YOU?’” It was the question heard around Cajé on an unsuspecting Sunday afternoon. In an effort to lock in, I had my laptop open only to the New York Time...
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Resourceful Gaucho offering colonoscopies from DP apartment

May 16, 2024 by

Move aside, student barbers: Third-year communication major Steve Balboa has taken entrepreneurship to the next level by offering colonoscopies from his oceanside apartment on the 66 Block of Del Play...
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Mauna Kall to action: Chancellor Yang trapped in telescope

May 9, 2024 by

The University of California Board of Rejects has long been subject to protests surrounding their project to build a telescope on Mauna Kea, a land that is sacred both culturally and environmentally t...
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Sorority travels to Maui mega-resort in honor of AAPI History Month

May 9, 2024 by

Aloha! Are you tired of all of this noise on campus? Are you bored of hearing about discrimination in your ethnicity requirement? Are you ready for a getaway from all the partying, tanning and being j...
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Predictive tabling: dressing to avoid the Arbor tablers

May 2, 2024 by

Walking through the Arbor is a fate worse than death most days. Those petition-wielding beggars can smell a vulnerable person like a shark smells blood. Tablers will force you into a conversation, eve...
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AS Senate Overthrown, Martial Law Declared

May 2, 2024 by

The Associated Students Senate elections closed with a bang last Friday, and not in the way you’d expect. A paramilitary group, armed with nunchucks and BuzzBallz, stormed Corwin Pavilion during a m...
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Top 5 tips to be the worst roommate

April 25, 2024 by

So the end of the year is quickly approaching and leases need to be reviewed, but you have one critical problem: you want to live with your bestie instead of your roommate! Unfortunately, your roomie ...
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What the frack? RuPaul only talked about drag

April 25, 2024 by

This past Thursday, UC Santa Barbara had a very exciting guest speaker, a real gem within the drilling community. After leasing mineral rights to oil companies on his ranch,  RuPaul became a notable ...
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I’m not high: Chipwrecked

April 20, 2024 by

To my dearest Gauchos and fans, I broadcast to you live from my couch in Isla Vista. Tonight, we are connected through nature and its wonderful properties. It’s been an interesting day — Isla Vist...
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Groundbreaking Gauchos: UCSB student becomes first frat guy nationwide to discover clitoris

April 18, 2024 by

History was made in Isla Vista last Saturday, when a member of Sigla Tau Delta’s UCSB chapter found the clitoris. Aidan Thibodeau, a second-year economics major from San Diego County, discovered it ...
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