Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Top five reasons why I didn’t write top five women I’d make history with

March 7, 2024 by

Women are entirely capable of making history on their own, by themselves or with each other. 
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Venmore! Black woman makes hundreds off white friends for Black History Month

February 29, 2024 by

Have you given your Black friends $5 for Black History Month yet? If not, you are FAR behind schedule and third year Morris Martin is not afraid to let it be known. 
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Birth control vending machine now performing lobotomies

February 29, 2024 by

As we approach midterms, the upcoming election, and bikini season, your head may be riddled with anxiety, feminism, and other nasty ideas. Check out campus’ newest resource to ease yourself of these...
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Local frat disbanded for hazing after making pledges go to class

February 22, 2024 by

“The rituals that DAD was making their pledges do were straight up inhumane and physically impossible for many of them.”
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“No”: Visitors respond to plea to stay off bike paths

February 22, 2024 by

Have you ever even seen a roundabout that was made for walking? That’s because they don’t exist.
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Idiot stoner packs bong for Super Bowl

February 15, 2024 by

Imagine instead of the San Francisco 49ers it was the San Francisco 420ers. That would be crazy.
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Can We Shut the Fuck Up About Jack Johnson Already?

February 15, 2024 by

Did you know that Jack Johnson went to UC Santa Barbara? Yes. Yes I did. So shut the fuck up about it.
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Impromptu valentine? This gal’s Tinder match is shitting next to her in the gender neutral bathroom

February 14, 2024 by

As she released her own effortless concerto of garlic parmesan, it undeniably made a sweet, sweet melody with the aggression beside her.
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Rizz tips?: Guy I asked out on sunset walk pushes me off the sea bluff

February 14, 2024 by

He kept yelling “WHO ARE YOU” and “WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME” when I knew inside that I was his one true love.
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Sad! Shit boyfriend only anti-capitalist during Valentine’s Day

February 8, 2024 by

In a discussion with his girlfriend, Whole shared that he refused to celebrate the holiday in any capacity due to its sickening association with all things capitalist and corporate. 
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No partner? No problem! Print a plastic peen!

February 8, 2024 by

All students would be given the opportunity to print two false flesh flutes for the price of one.
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Liberal? You mean Lib Earl?

February 1, 2024 by

You can always see lib Earl in the same spot on the fourth floor, the personable man that he is, studying away to the both neutral and unassuming beats of Lofi Girl.
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Help! Your golden retriever boyfriend won’t stop humping my leg

February 1, 2024 by

“No! Get down! Your goddamn boyfriend won’t stop humping my leg!!!!” 
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Local woman hyped for Valentine’s Day card haul from dentist, Victoria’s Secret

January 25, 2024 by

“Contrary to popular belief, I actually receive much correspondence from a variety of suitors,” McKinsey purrs contentedly.
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Five nights at FT: Avoiding the RA’s when I’m blackout drunk

January 25, 2024 by

The mere two times a week that I inflict a near-death experience upon myself with Tito’s mixed with stolen DLG cranberry cocktail, how are the RAs suddenly there?
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