Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

January 22, 2026

Top 10 ways to ace that interview

By Serrano Ham

Internship recruiting and the summer job search are in full swing, and you might be wondering how to make the job yours. Never fear, the ultimate guide to interviewing is here at the tip of your fingers, complete with 10...

January 15, 2026

Trump purchases Solvang

By Serrano Ham

The nation has been rocked by the news of President Donald Trump’s recent territorial acquisition, which the administration claims is part of his latest bid to increase the national security of the United States.

January 15, 2026

Ask Stench: Answering your burning questions

By Joseph R. Biden

On our Instagram (8.2M followers, btw) we asked you if you needed any advice. As a California state-licensed therapist, bikini model and former U.S. President, who better to answer than I?

January 8, 2026

Isla Vista man struggles to reassimilate after 4 months abroad

By Joseph R. Biden

Local legend and third-year statistics and data science major Riley Logan of UC Santa Barbara has reportedly been struggling to fit back into American culture after a revelatory semester abroad. After living with all of ...

November 20, 2025

Disastrous pass time ends freshman’s academic career

By Serrano Ham

With Pass 1 of course registration having concluded this past week, devastated students, especially freshmen, have been left in its wake. UC Santa Barbara has been experiencing unprecedented rates of drop outs as freshme...

November 20, 2025

Isla Vista residents react: Del Playa Drive washed into sea

By Don Juan Tenorio

After a week of heavy rainstorms and high winds around Southern California, very few communities were impacted more than Isla Vista, California. UC Santa Barbara's iconic Del Playa Drive was washed away out to sea on Nov...

November 13, 2025

Shocking: Professor says “67,” campus in hysteric

By Ivanna Doomscroll

November 13, 2025

UCSB releases alternative study spots

By Serrano Ham

With midterm season waning and library hours back after popular demand, UC Santa Barbara has released a list of alternative study spots just in time to accommodate absolutely nobody. With student comfort and accessibilit...

November 13, 2025

Santa Barbara Airport shuts down

By Gentle Giant

Amidst budget cuts due to the ongoing government shutdown, the Federal Aviation Administration announced this morning that Santa Barbara Airport will permanently suspend commercial flight operations. This was the Federal...

November 6, 2025

Guy Who Doesn’t Read News “Disturbed” by State of the Nation

By Serrano Ham

Commemorating the one-year anniversary of the presidential election, local UC Santa Barbara student and third-year doomscroll studies major Evan Ignorami announced on Oct. 28 that he was “deeply unsettled by the direct...

November 6, 2025

Gone Sexual? 5 Strange Things Gavin Newsom Has Texted Me

By Don Juan Tenorio

With California’s special election approaching, state Democrats have gone on the campaign trail to pass Proposition 50 into law. Chief among these politicians has been California’s governor and full-time daddy Gavin ...

November 6, 2025

UCSB unveils new non-DEI curriculum

By Benjamin Epstein

In accordance with the wishes of our beloved well-endowed president, UCSB has renovated its curriculum, replacing all the ugly WOKENESS with PATRIOTIC teachings. Here is a list of our beloved leader’s proposed changes:

October 30, 2025

Spooky season! Midterm grades are coming back

By Serrano Ham

A sinister feel has settled over UC Santa Barbara, making chills run down the student body’s back despite the 80-degree weather. Everywhere, faces are falling as the dreaded notification pops up on students’ phones, ...

October 30, 2025

Mayor declares martial law: Halloween noise ordinance indefinite

By Gentle Giant

With Halloween just around the corner, students at UC Santa Barbara were met with unfortunate news after a noise ordinance from 10/26 to 11/4 was announced for this holiday season. Music will not be allowed to be heard f...

October 23, 2025

Associated Students passes Prop 67, Isla Vista divided

By Serrano Ham

In a shocking turn of events, a proposition has passed through the UC Santa Barbara Associated Students, officially seceding UC Santa Barbara from the state of California. This move, which experts have called “a classi...