Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

November 6, 2025

Guy Who Doesn’t Read News “Disturbed” by State of the Nation

By Serrano Ham

Commemorating the one-year anniversary of the presidential election, local UC Santa Barbara student and third-year doomscroll studies major Evan Ignorami announced on Oct. 28 that he was “deeply unsettled by the direct...

November 6, 2025

Gone Sexual? 5 Strange Things Gavin Newsom Has Texted Me

By Don Juan Tenorio

With California’s special election approaching, state Democrats have gone on the campaign trail to pass Proposition 50 into law. Chief among these politicians has been California’s governor and full-time daddy Gavin ...

November 6, 2025

UCSB unveils new non-DEI curriculum

By Benjamin Epstein

In accordance with the wishes of our beloved well-endowed president, UCSB has renovated its curriculum, replacing all the ugly WOKENESS with PATRIOTIC teachings. Here is a list of our beloved leader’s proposed changes:

October 30, 2025

Spooky season! Midterm grades are coming back

By Serrano Ham

A sinister feel has settled over UC Santa Barbara, making chills run down the student body’s back despite the 80-degree weather. Everywhere, faces are falling as the dreaded notification pops up on students’ phones, ...

October 30, 2025

Mayor declares martial law: Halloween noise ordinance indefinite

By Gentle Giant

With Halloween just around the corner, students at UC Santa Barbara were met with unfortunate news after a noise ordinance from 10/26 to 11/4 was announced for this holiday season. Music will not be allowed to be heard f...

October 23, 2025

Associated Students passes Prop 67, Isla Vista divided

By Serrano Ham

In a shocking turn of events, a proposition has passed through the UC Santa Barbara Associated Students, officially seceding UC Santa Barbara from the state of California. This move, which experts have called “a classi...

October 23, 2025

Trump Declares Monarchy Amid “No Kings” Protests

By Gentle Giant

October 16, 2025

An expert’s guide to Halloween costumes

By Serrano Ham

As UC Santa Barbara languishes in the steamy, hot sun, the only thing spooky about this season is the midterms that are starting next week. But, despite the 80-degree weather, Halloween is rapidly approaching, and costum...

October 16, 2025

Breaking! Fraternities up to weird shit!

By The Mayor of PoundTown

Every fall, UC Santa Barbara’s most average male students try their best to be selected and admitted into a brotherhood with questionable roots, but lit ass parties. This year, the Daily Nexus has received dozens of re...

October 16, 2025

UCSB sororities announce newer, more impactful philanthropy

By Jane Goodall

In a bold move that campus officials are calling “a transformative act of compassion,” all UC Santa Barbara sororities have officially changed their philanthropies this quarter to focus on a single cause: helping fra...

October 9, 2025

Huh? Government shutdown forces UCSB to fire all RAs

By Serrano Ham

In response to the ongoing federal government shutdown, UC Santa Barbara has announced that all resident assistants (RAs) will be terminated, effective immediately. The decision to fire RAs, cited in a statement by the O...

October 9, 2025

Library announces new hours: Open 1-1:19 p.m. on Thursdays

By Joseph R. Biden

The UC Santa Barbara library announced last Friday that it has new, limited hours of operation: only on Thursdays from 1-1:19 p.m. The announcement followed a statement a few weeks ago when the library announced that it ...

October 2, 2025

Band party reaches new heights

By Serrano Ham

As Isla Vista welcomes back thousands of residents for the start of the new academic school year, students at UC Santa Barbara are witnessing the emergence of a new party culture. Roof sitters have become a prevalent pre...

October 2, 2025

Hive-mind syndrome spreads during sorority rush

By Gentle Giant

On Wednesday, September 25, rush season began at UC Santa Barbara for sororities across Isla Vista. What was supposed to be a fun traditional event gave rise to a small, localized pathogen that has, according to experts,...

September 16, 2025

Guy who has never thought or prayed sends “thoughts and prayers” to Charlie Kirk

By Joseph R. Biden

Somewhat right-wing political “activist” Charlie Kirk was shot and killed on Sept. 10 while speaking at a rally at Utah Valley University. The presumably politically motivated act led to hundreds of politicians and n...

September 7, 2025

5 easy side-hustles at UCSB (get rich quick!!!)

By Gentle Giant

With college tuition and Isla Vista rent rising every quarter, the need for money is at an all-time high. Luckily, I’m here to help. Here are five foolproof ways to make a quick buck at UC Santa Barbara. 1. Become a me...