Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

I’m not high: Chipwrecked

April 20, 2024 by

To my dearest Gauchos and fans, I broadcast to you live from my couch in Isla Vista. Tonight, we are connected through nature and its wonderful properties. It’s been an interesting day — Isla Vist...
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Groundbreaking Gauchos: UCSB student becomes first frat guy nationwide to discover clitoris

April 18, 2024 by

History was made in Isla Vista last Saturday, when a member of Sigla Tau Delta’s UCSB chapter found the clitoris. Aidan Thibodeau, a second-year economics major from San Diego County, discovered it ...
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Your mustache can’t hide everything

April 18, 2024 by

Since the turn of the 21st century, angry bitch feminists have been trying to hold men accountable for their crimes. “You’re being misogynistic!” “You’ve never made me finish!” “#MeToo!�...
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Targeted? Other people bought the same swimsuit as me

April 14, 2024 by

Deltopia has come and gone, and now that the hangovers have fully subsided, many Gauchos have found themselves mourning their individuality. Frequent unintentional twinning has taken a toll on student...
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Study finds that holding handlebars while biking is “gay”

April 14, 2024 by

Having sex with other men, being on Grindr, wearing sunscreen — we know these are all gay for you, as a man, to be doing. All across the planet, researchers work tirelessly every day to discover wha...
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Top 5 best moments from the 2024 Academy Awards!

March 21, 2024 by

The Academy Awards came around and, just like every year, people saw them.
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DJ “Spinning Tonight” Falls Over

March 7, 2024 by

Kim announced via an Instagram story that he was performing at Baja Sharkeez tonight from 10-11, but the night took an unfortunate turn.
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Top five women I’d make history with

March 7, 2024 by

To kick off this March, here’s a list of the top five women that you already know I’d make some good history with. 
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Top five reasons why I didn’t write top five women I’d make history with

March 7, 2024 by

Women are entirely capable of making history on their own, by themselves or with each other. 
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Venmore! Black woman makes hundreds off white friends for Black History Month

February 29, 2024 by

Have you given your Black friends $5 for Black History Month yet? If not, you are FAR behind schedule and third year Morris Martin is not afraid to let it be known. 
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Birth control vending machine now performing lobotomies

February 29, 2024 by

As we approach midterms, the upcoming election, and bikini season, your head may be riddled with anxiety, feminism, and other nasty ideas. Check out campus’ newest resource to ease yourself of these...
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Local frat disbanded for hazing after making pledges go to class

February 22, 2024 by

“The rituals that DAD was making their pledges do were straight up inhumane and physically impossible for many of them.”
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“No”: Visitors respond to plea to stay off bike paths

February 22, 2024 by

Have you ever even seen a roundabout that was made for walking? That’s because they don’t exist.
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Idiot stoner packs bong for Super Bowl

February 15, 2024 by

Imagine instead of the San Francisco 49ers it was the San Francisco 420ers. That would be crazy.
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Can We Shut the Fuck Up About Jack Johnson Already?

February 15, 2024 by

Did you know that Jack Johnson went to UC Santa Barbara? Yes. Yes I did. So shut the fuck up about it.
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