Nexustentialism
It's satire, stupid.
Some say college is a sexual awakening, a time where the youth can shed the confines of their parents’ disapproval and emerge into their young adulthood as the hot, slinky things they were born to b...
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My name is George Gello, and I’ve been lost in Phelps Hall for seven years. However, I’m still hopeful I’ll get to my class, History of Architecture 3B. In fact, I predict my seven years in a te...
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In an attempt to sway the majority-Democrat population of Isla Vista and secure more votes in his favor, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has promised that if he wins the election, he will...
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Upon reflection, I should’ve known — I should’ve known that the flickering lights in the hallway were a bad omen, the sounds of a ping pong game akin to a funeral dirge and the smiles of passers...
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Are you an undecided voter who can’t bear to choose between the obviously equally-evil candidates on the ballot? Can you not stand to see your country barrel down the path of far-right, totalitarian...
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As a white man with no morals strong enough to form real political views, I was unsure of who to vote for in the upcoming election. Trump’s attempted overthrow of our country wasn’t quite enough t...
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In an effort to show prospective students the real and unfiltered experience of a student on UC Santa Barbara’s campus, the Office of Admissions announced today that all upcoming and future tours of...
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Habit Burger & Grill in Isla Vista, California, has taken to fucking up orders.
“I ordered a strawberry milkshake,” Heskel Norwood, a UC Santa Barbara student who went to the Habit last Tuesday, ...
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“Hey! Yeah, you! You look pretty tired, do you maybe want to take a seat?”
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UC Santa Barbara has a wide-reaching online presence, able to churn out short “comedic” videos that remind people we have a library. It also reminds the student population that our faculty in char...
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The Republican Party has come under increasing scrutiny for their betrayal of traditional conservative values, and many lifelong Republicans swear to vote blue in November. In response, the Republican...
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In honor of Hispanic Heritage month, UC Santa Barbara has announced that they will pick a new mascot to replace the Gaucho — one that offends a different minority.
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Welcome back, Gauchos! As hordes of students return to their beloved party by the sea, Isla Vista is beginning to fill with the familiar ring of people screaming outside at 2 in the morning. Upon retu...
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The five music students at UC Santa Barbara and a couple other socially anxious students are devastated after the Music Library officially shut their doors this past Friday. However, pretty much every...
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“It’s not the same without him,” said Donald “Joker” Trump, following the loss of his rival, Joe Batman.
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Ends on ‘good terms’ but is blocked on Instagram
Slow fade
Ghosting them on a random Monday
“It’s not you, it’s me”
Drunk Uber “we need to talk” voice memo
Presents a notes app pros and cons list
Asks to still be friends
Drops their stuff off, never speaks to them again
Texts “this isn’t working” then posts from another country
“It’s not me, it’s you”
Tells them they need to focus on Econ 10A
Delivers a hand-written letter to their mom
