Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Campbell Hall Plague spreads

February 6, 2025 by

Hot take: college is like preschool. College students must painfully relearn how to make friends and share their things. And, college students’ immune systems seem to have a major regression, becomi...
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Drake buys ticket to Super Bowl to see Kendrick Lamar

February 6, 2025 by

Drake has announced that he has purchased a ticket to the Super Bowl to see Kendrick Lamar perform during the Super Bowl LIX halftime show, despite his tour having a show scheduled for that same day i...
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What happened to twerking?

February 6, 2025 by

In 2016, I felt like I couldn’t even walk through my neighborhood without seeing someone shaking ass. Online. On the wall. On the ground. Upside down. Inside out. Everyone was throwing it back. Now,...
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Frat guys threatened by I.V. robot’s sexuality

January 30, 2025 by

With the arrival of Isla Vista's hottest new eligible bachelor, Boba Bot, UC Santa Barbara fraternities are turning to cyberphobia. While fraternities are recognized to be safe and accepting havens fo...
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CALPIRG goes nuclear, thanks Trump

January 30, 2025 by

Recent studies have shown that students at UC Santa Barbara are stopped by California Public Interest Research Group (CALPIRG) members about 50 times per week. As of late, the tag teaming efforts of t...
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Straight man nods head at back of band show, shocked no women approach him

January 30, 2025 by

It was 11:38 p.m. at the ‘Snot Fuckers’ bandshow in the backyard of a house on 69 Del Playa Drive. A diverse crowd of music enjoyers had gathered: girls seeking a break from the Bikinis and Benadr...
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Size does matter: Instagram feed update fucking sucks

January 23, 2025 by

Are you trying to ruin my life, Meta?
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UCSB unveils new 10-year academic plan

January 23, 2025 by

After wasting their first quarter at UC Santa Barbara taking Online Walking, many students are realizing that major requirement classes are hard to come by. To combat this widespread problem and the o...
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Local man “not ready to commit” to group project

January 16, 2025 by

In a groundbreaking display of emotional vulnerability, third-year political science major Andrew Logan announced over the weekend that he is “not ready for the commitment” required by his POL S 1...
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Study finds that riding electric skateboards DOES make you cool

January 16, 2025 by

Despite previous understanding that the only cool way to ride a skateboard is, you know, the normal way by using your leg to push, a new study finds that there might be a much cooler way. Students hav...
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UCSB parent Facebook group found extremely informative

January 14, 2025 by

While UC Santa Barbara students waste their time doing coke off of collapsing beachfront porches, their parents are worried sick. Reliable news sources, only made available on Facebook, have found tha...
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Yay! Parents gifts based on my interests at twelve

December 29, 2024 by

For yet another year, college students are haunted by the ghost of middle school past. When opening gifts on Christmas morning, one can only dream of receiving the trendy Tiffany lamp or Pedro Pascal ...
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Finally! High winds blow short kings away

November 21, 2024 by

Isla Vista’s colder months have arrived and the intense weather has caused great harm to men under 5 feet 6 inches tall. Winds reaching above 20 mph have caught these young men by their basketball s...
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Trumpkin Spice Lattes prove the winner

November 14, 2024 by

Ladies and gentleman, the poll data is in. Young college students, some of them UC Santa Barbara’s very own, contributed to Donald Trump’s reelection. The reason: Trumpkin Spice Lattes. Yes, you h...
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Your body, my choice: Gluing fake pregnancy bellies to deserving men

November 14, 2024 by

Dick Thucker was horrified when he woke up the day after the presidential election. Rubbing his bleary eyes, he was shocked to see a huge pregnant belly blocking his feet from view instead of his usua...
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