The Sheep Goes Home

May 26, 2006 by

By my calculations, I've written something like 25 columns for this newspaper over the course of the past school year. I figure it takes the average reader about five minutes to read one of my columns...
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Sex Dolls End Humanity

May 18, 2006 by

I don't know what killed off the dinosaurs. Maybe it was an asteroid. Maybe it was disease. Maybe it was a combination of Pop Rocks and Coca-Cola. I'll probably never know for sure, but I do think I'v...
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Let Your Apathy Reign

May 11, 2006 by

Have you ever seen "The Island of Dr. Moreau"? It's probably my favorite movie of all time. In case you missed it, I'll briefly summarize the plot: A nefarious mad scientist played by an over-the-hill...
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Apaches Are Not the Answer

May 4, 2006 by

Last week I asked curious UCSB students to send me their "Dear Abby" style questions via e-mail. The response was absolutely staggering.
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Give Your Worst, I Offer Advice

April 28, 2006 by

Carrot Top is officially on my shit list. Back in early November, I decided to contact Mr. Top and request an interview. I was optimistic that the redheaded clown would accept my offer. Dreams of the ...
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Pop Culture May Influence Future

April 24, 2006 by

It recently dawned on me that in the future, intellectuals will study Hollywood movies in the same way that they study old literature.
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Serve Poetry Justice

April 13, 2006 by

A friend of mine recently pointed out that the vast majority of my Nexus articles contain alarming amounts of pessimism, perversion and comic violence. I promptly kicked him in the dingleberries and i...
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Wisely Consider Your Concentration

April 6, 2006 by

You can often find some pretty odd classes if you browse through UCSB's course catalog. This quarter is no exception. The esteemed Dept. of Speech and Hearing Sciences is offering a class called Intro...
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Public Opinion Pulls American Government Down the Drain

March 9, 2006 by

MTV kicks ass. It's like one big, blinged-out commercial. When the station isn't busy touting its own products or cross-promoting other Viacom endeavors, it's bombarding our youth with informative mus...
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Curb the Binge-Purge Cycle

February 23, 2006 by

I've been going to school for about 18 years. You don't last 18 years in the cruel world of academia without learning some serious tricks of the student trade. One of my favorite high school technique...
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Artist in Profile: A Portrait of the Hairbrain Scheme as Young Men

February 23, 2006 by

Rome wasn't built in a day. Neither was the Hairbrain Scheme. Each member of this Santa Barbara quartet was carefully constructed over the course of approximately nine months inside his mother's womb....
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Here’s To You, Mr. Garbage Man

February 16, 2006 by

My garbage man hates me. He never actually tells me this, but I can see it in his eyes each week as I stumble outside in a tired daze and sluggishly move my car so that he can access our dumpster. I t...
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If You Can

February 9, 2006 by

Cupid shot me with an arrow last night. It was a poisonous arrow, meaning it filled my head with visions of the 1980s hair band Poison. Whenever I close my eyes, I see bad blonde perms and hordes of s...
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Frozen Gamete Gamble

February 2, 2006 by

Would you call me a creep if I told you that I keep my leftover semen in jars in my refrigerator? You would? Well, don't worry, I don't actually keep my sperm in the refrigerator. I keep it in the fre...
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How to Elevate Simple Excuses to Extraordinary Excuses

February 1, 2006 by

I like to make excuses when confronted with annoying questions relating to various responsibilities that I've neglected. "Nick, why didn't you turn in the homework assignment?" Because my dog ate my h...
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