The Long Hump Goodnight

June 5, 2003 by

I've thought of everything and consequently nothing to write for my last column. I'm supposed to impress you. But then it occurred to me, I don't really have to impress you.
read more

Men Dangle Between Rock Hard and a Soft Place

May 28, 2003 by

I love being a woman because I love being in control. And we are (almost) always in control of all our sexual functions.
read more

Fouling Out of Our Beds

May 21, 2003 by

As a diehard Sacramento Kings fan, I'm tired of saying it's going to be this year, this is our year, and we're going all the way. No matter what, it always seems like we come up short.
read more

Race to the Bathroom

May 14, 2003 by

Sex is great. However there is this odd post-coital period that continually traumatizes me. It can be traumatizing in two ways: with a condom and without one.
read more

My Dinner With a Dweeb

May 7, 2003 by

Every girl has a lackey at least once in her life. When you first met him, you get the same epiphany that the guy who invented caller I.D. did. But then the bastard went ahead and blocked his number t...
read more

My Gay Brother Is Better Than an Older Sister

April 30, 2003 by

I've definitely made out with girls. I was about 13 when my older brother Scott related to me over a car wash that he called his boyfriend "Pookie" on occasion.
read more

You Get One Phone Call

April 23, 2003 by

It's Monday morning and you're running to Campbell Hall from Snidecor. You woke up an hour later than you planned, which means that you didn't have time to take a shower. The only makeup you're wearin...
read more

Not Quite Splitting Hairs

April 18, 2003 by

I live with a gorilla. No, really. A hairy, loud, monkey-butt gorilla. He's my male genome project, my dirty sex maniac and my boy roommate. He's endearing, inebriated and completely incapable of clea...
read more

Girls Just Want That Sweat, Sweat Love

April 9, 2003 by

I love to watch men play sports. I'll watch any sport. Really, I'm not picky. The cute little uniforms, tight shorts, muscle flexing, field frustration and men, sweating it out for my viewing pleasure...
read more

Pardon Me, but What Wind Through Yonder Orifice Breaks?

April 2, 2003 by

It is the female equivalent to limp dick. People refuse to discuss it. But being the disgustingly frank love kitten I am, I wanted the truth to be told. Can't hold my cunt trumpet down.
read more

Wow, I Sure Am Bare-Assed

March 5, 2003 by

My roommate decided to go celebrate Mardi Gras this last weekend in New Orleans. Admittedly, my only real experience with the celebration is limited to "Girls Gone Wild" videos taped on Bourbon Street...
read more

Face It, Nice Guys: Every Girl’s Crazy ’bout a Badass Man

February 26, 2003 by

Cornfed is beyond hope, forever past the point of naughty. When girls think of turning him on, they think of teddies - not the lingerie, the bear.
read more

Guys Go Nuts When Ladies Go Balls Out

February 19, 2003 by

Testicles. Tea bag. Penis Pillow. The Juice Crew. Nuggets. Rocky Mountain Oysters. Fluid Friends. We girls can easily forget how much attention we should be paying to them, but believe me, the man nev...
read more

Valentine’s Day: (analogous to) the only day of the year where being single makes you the most invisible social casualty.

February 12, 2003 by

I was sitting outside the Arbor next to the Penis Registration guys, spying on a girl who had an admirable glare going at someone. I looked over to see who the recipient was, and I saw a young man
read more

If You Really Love Them

February 5, 2003 by

It was just a regular Saturday night. She got off work late and got the usual phone call from her friends partying in I.V. She decided to join them; she really needed a drink. The guy she liked had be...
read more