News

New Leader To Transmute ITA

April 1, 2003 by

he Institute for Theoretical Alchemy named Sir Steven of Giddinfield as its new director on Monday. Sir Steven will assume his post today with the portentous beginning of a new moon.
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Sheriff To Begin Debtor Smackdowne

April 1, 2003 by

In an effort to improve safety and the Chancellor's reputation for maintaining order, Sheriff of Islavistingham Crist‹o Madeira, pledged Monday to crack down on Knaves and Debtors in the seaside...
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Longe Beache Burns in Hell

April 1, 2003 by

Smoke wedded with the usual lagoon stench this day as a testimony to the demise of the fierce Longe Beache Armada. On the cold black night of yesterday the crew team, in a valiant effort to protect th...
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Research Falls Flat, Earth Too

April 1, 2003 by

Editor’s Note: This story appeared as part of an April Fools issue. The geographers and cartographers of UCSB Fiefdom recently printed evidence that the Worlde is flat. The paper has been expect...
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God: “Let There Be Paddling”

April 1, 2003 by

On Monday, March 31, literally tens of angry nuns marched through the streets of Islavistingham for UCSB's Purge the Night. A product of the holy mothers and sisters of UCSB Women's Center Nunnery, th...
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Parking Law Sparks Lawsuit

March 31, 2003 by

A lawsuit filed by a group of advocates for the homeless aims to repeal a law that prohibits parking large vehicles on the streets of Santa Barbara.
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Local Student Incurs Injury in DP Attack

March 31, 2003 by

A Santa Barbara City College student suffered head injuries in an apparently unprovoked attack early Friday morning on Del Playa Drive. Ian Gililland, 20, was admitted to Goleta Valley Cottage Hospita...
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Oil, Gas Leases Face Deadlines

March 31, 2003 by

Representatives from Santa Barbara, San Luis Obispo and Ventura counties, along with eight environmental agencies, requested strict deadlines to be imposed on 36 offshore oil and gas leases that were ...
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County Warns Pet Owners of Raccoon Virus

March 31, 2003 by

Dog owners in Isla Vista and throughout Santa Barbara County may want to keep their canines on a short leash and away from prowling raccoons.
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UCSB Class Teaches Environment Theory, Solutions

March 31, 2003 by

The students in one environmental studies class spent last quarter trying to make a positive impact on the world and their grade point averages.
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UC Briefs: March 30, 2003

March 31, 2003 by

C San Diego - The Daily Guardian: An independent study released March 5 found that UC acceptance rates of black and Latino students have dropped significantly since the implementation of race-blind ad...
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March 30, 20003

March 31, 2003 by

Saturday, March 1, at 2:20 a.m.: In one of the most flagrant displays of intoxicated I.V. ignorance, an officer inside the IVFP station stepped out the front door to find the source of a loud, slurred...
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Stop! In the Name of Peace

March 31, 2003 by


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UCSB Junior Found Dead in Bedroom

March 7, 2003 by

Junior pre-psychology major Chris David Becker passed away Monday morning of unknown causes. He was 23 years old. UC police responded to a call that a male resident was found not breathing in his room...
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Woman Reports Assault in Parking Lot

March 7, 2003 by

A sexual assault in broad daylight has the Santa Barbara County Sheriff's Dept. investigating potential leads and asking the residents of Santa Barbara County for assistance.
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