Whirled Warriors

Saturday, May 17, 12:35 a.m.: Isla Vista Foot Patrol officers observed the beginnings of a street fight at the intersection of Camino Pescadero and Sabado Tarde Road. A woman approached two men standing in the street and punched one in the face.

Unsure if this drunken Chun Li’s punch was a love tap or the beginning of round one, the officers approached the group, announced that they were police officers. One of the men surrendered immediately and peacefully, but the other resisted. The officer had to strike this rum-fueled Ryu once in the leg.

Once separated, the officers questioned the three fighters.

The man who surrendered claimed Chun Li was his girlfriend and that Ryu had bumped into them and harassed them, referring to Chun Li as an “ugly slut” and “the ugliest bitch.” Ryu corroborated this story, admitting he had been goaded by a friend to instigate an altercation. Chun Li admitted to striking Ryu once but only with her “index finger and thumb.”

All parties agreed Chun Li’s boyfriend had not struck anyone. As such, the officers arrested both Ryu and Chun Li immediately for fighting in public. Both were taken to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where sobriety could erase their pugilistic tendencies.

Worse Than the Stooges

Sunday, May 18, 12:10 a.m.: Meet the three brothers Stupid. Already busy issuing a minor in possession citation to one delinquent, an IVFP officer on the 6600 block of Del Playa Drive was approached by a 16-year-old with a lousy sense of timing.

“What’s happening to my brother?” the youngest Stupid asked.

The older Stupid urged his little brother to leave. The officer, sensing an alcoholic odor overpowering even the pervasive scent of stupid, asked the youngest brother how old he was. He said he was 18 – still far under the legal age to smell like alcohol – and walked directly into the presence of a different officer, who was arresting the third and oldest Stupid brother for drinking a beer on the sidewalk.

Again, the youngest Stupid asked why his brother was in trouble. The officer asked the youngest Stupid how old he was. He said he was 16.

Done with the older Stupids, the officer determined that the remaining Stupid was too drunk to care for himself and arrested him for public intoxication. He was taken to the Santa Barbara County Juvenile Hall, where many members of his family likely have stayed.

Mr. and Mrs. Stupid, you did a bang-up job.

Mr. Nice Guy

Sunday, May 18, 12:15 a.m.: An officer patrolling the 6600 block of Del Playa Drive approached and arrested a 19-year-old man for public intoxication. The man was so intoxicated that he needed the officer’s help in walking to the curb and sitting down.

Upon being asked how much he had had to drink, the man politely said that he had drunk “enough to get intoxicated.” The man’s clothes appeared soiled, as if he had fallen, and his T-shirt was inside out.

The man, displaying none of the anti-IVFP hostility featured in most blotter entries, thanked the officer for helping him and said he understood the officer was only doing his job.

Mr. Nice Guy said he had “a lot of respect for police officers.”

Despite his flattery, Mr. Nice Guy still went to the Santa Barbara County Jail with all the mean drunks.

SBCC’s Finest

Sunday, March 18, 2:15 a.m.: Officers patrolling the 900 block of Embarcadero del Mar outside Rosarito observed a 19-year-old man vomiting profusely.

Wisely guessing the Regurgitator’s digestive impairment was not a result of a tainted burrito, the officers approached him to see if alcohol consumption had somehow allowed his dinner to escape. Aside from the artful splashes of vomit decorating the Regurgitator’s shirt, the officers noticed a smell of alcohol about him and a tendency to sway. They arrested him for public intoxication.

At the IVFP station, the Regurgitator was uncooperative. He refused to sit despite the officers’ requests that he do so. As officers demanded their guest to take a seat, he began acting aggressive. Officers eventually forced the Regurgitator to the ground, creating a gash on his forehead in the process.

Once prostrate, the Regurgitator said, “I won’t resist.” However, the profusely bleeding face wound angered him.

“You motherfuckers! You messed me up,” he said. “My uncle is Bill Gates and I’m going to sue your ass.”

Officers took the Regurgitator to Goleta Valley Cottage Hospital for treatment of his wound. There, he claimed he was “being assaulted” and that white people should not be treated in such a manner. His shouting disturbed the other patients, including a woman experiencing a heart attack.

The Regurgitator also claimed he kept a 4.0 grade point average at UCSB and that his father was a police captain who had been “shot by a black crook.”

Once the nursing staff had finished the Regurgitator’s treatment, police delivered him to the Santa Barbara County Jail.

A background check later revealed the Regurgitator was a Santa Barbara City College student, not a dean’s list regular at UCSB.