News

April 2, 2003

Do You Want Fries With That?

By system

April 1, 2003

Regents Indulge GPAs for a Price

By Lady Tiye of Baldwinshire Staff Scribe

As its coffers dwindle, the University of California is offering its academic wastrels a chance to repent and earn forgiveness through donations to the Mother University.

April 1, 2003

Right Makes Might?

By Sir Chug-A-Lug Staff Writer

Republican armies took control of key northwestern trade routes and Islavistingham ale-smuggling corridors Monday, marking the latest pitched battle in a series of armed clashes between political ideologies within the UC...

April 1, 2003

UC Merced May Evict Wee Folkes

By Sir Jason the Smart Scribe

The proposed University of California, Merced should eventually have one of the best animal husbandry programs from here to Gaul, but the region's faerie shrimp, gnomes, nymphs, sprites, pixies and other wee folke may no...

April 1, 2003

Vampire Convention Brings A Blood-Letting Good Time

By Jen Siverts Master Scribe

TRANSYLVANIA, Romania (AP) -- The centennial International Blood Suckers Union (IBSU) vampire convention was held this past weekend to give the undead from all over Europe the chance to congregate and discuss issues of r...

April 1, 2003

Mead Fortifies A.S. Resolution

By William the Loon Staff Scribe

A.S. representatives officially declared their support for Scotland during a towne hall meeting last night, resulting in the first meeting marked by peace and quiet - the sort of peace and quiet that follows mass executi...

April 1, 2003

Beasts Devour Publicity

By Lady Sexburgae of the House of Healy

They have returned. After much worry and bad humours of the bile, the Santa Barbara Zoological Garden staff welcomed back their Grendels with great pomp and celebration and reopened the Grendel exhibit to the public Mond...

April 1, 2003

Druids Plan Monolithic Memorial

By Maiden Christina of Acrelaide Staff Scribe

The Islavistingham Recreation and Park Druids met Monday night to approve and finalize the design for the proposed Stonehenge Park.The park was proposed last May as a monument to soldiers who lost their lives in the Crus...

April 1, 2003

New Leader To Transmute ITA

By Beowulf of Wildwood, Staff Scribe

he Institute for Theoretical Alchemy named Sir Steven of Giddinfield as its new director on Monday. Sir Steven will assume his post today with the portentous beginning of a new moon.

April 1, 2003

Sheriff To Begin Debtor Smackdowne

By Staff

In an effort to improve safety and the Chancellor's reputation for maintaining order, Sheriff of Islavistingham Crist‹o Madeira, pledged Monday to crack down on Knaves and Debtors in the seaside hamlet.

April 1, 2003

Longe Beache Burns in Hell

By Lady Holladay of Noradton Scribe

Smoke wedded with the usual lagoon stench this day as a testimony to the demise of the fierce Longe Beache Armada. On the cold black night of yesterday the crew team, in a valiant effort to protect the sanctity of Islavi...

April 1, 2003

Research Falls Flat, Earth Too

By Sir Isaac Autumnbottom Staff Scribe

Editor’s Note: This story appeared as part of an April Fools issue. The geographers and cartographers of UCSB Fiefdom recently printed evidence that the Worlde is flat. The paper has been expected for over a year n...

April 1, 2003

God: “Let There Be Paddling”

By Vladimir von Trapp Staff Scribe

On Monday, March 31, literally tens of angry nuns marched through the streets of Islavistingham for UCSB's Purge the Night. A product of the holy mothers and sisters of UCSB Women's Center Nunnery, the yearly event attem...

March 31, 2003

Parking Law Sparks Lawsuit

By Drew Mackie

A lawsuit filed by a group of advocates for the homeless aims to repeal a law that prohibits parking large vehicles on the streets of Santa Barbara.

March 31, 2003

Local Student Incurs Injury in DP Attack

By Daniel Haier

A Santa Barbara City College student suffered head injuries in an apparently unprovoked attack early Friday morning on Del Playa Drive. Ian Gililland, 20, was admitted to Goleta Valley Cottage Hospital with several injur...

March 31, 2003

Oil, Gas Leases Face Deadlines

By Kristina Ackermann

Representatives from Santa Barbara, San Luis Obispo and Ventura counties, along with eight environmental agencies, requested strict deadlines to be imposed on 36 offshore oil and gas leases that were recently invalidated...