Alumni Weekend came as quickly as an undersexed 35-year-old with a full-time cubicle job as soon as he spots something fertile. Like a dark, ominous cloud — holding not refreshing showers, but a dis...
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Most unfortunately, in order to speak of this next topic, I will have to address something fetid and repulsive. I’m going to talk about an aspect of intercourse that is often lost, forgotten, feared...
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As if singing songs, holding hands, and swallowing millennia-year-old dogma in the name of Christ’s gift of salvation every Sunday weren’t enough, Easter — the made-up day of Jesus’s cloud-mou...
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Nation. People. Literate UCSB students. I come before you today to offer a study that will revolutionize science. Its elegance, infallibility, and pure genius will force the Nobel committee to establi...
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Have you ever been sitting around, shootin’ the shit with your friends, when all of a sudden you stop and realize you’ve all essentially hooked up with one another? All right, before you judge me,...
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Most college students are pretty unhappy with Congress right about now and rightfully so. With huge cuts to education and high unemployment especially among recent college graduates, the Republican ma...
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I’m diagnosed with a variety of psychiatric conditions: bipolar I disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, ADHD and a learning disability called dyscalculia. As a teenager I battled anorexia nervosa....
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I’ve got bad news for those of you who like to jog or hike around the Coal Oil Point Reserve. You will discover that while you were all away for Christmas break, the university has blocked off, and ...
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Welcome back Gauchoans, and Happy New Year! 2012 is destined to be a doozy. Not only will it be the final year of our lives, but in November we will decide who the final president of the United Stat...
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Just when you thought the creepy crawlies from Halloween were long gone, you’ve noticed that a whole new family of bugs and rodents has arrived. It seems like your rental is falling apart, practical...
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Sometimes getting laid isn’t the problem; the problem is answering the booty call. No, I’m not talking about the girls who fight with themselves about their morals at 2:30 in the morning: “I’m...
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Last week, Palestine officially joined UNESCO, the UN’s educational, scientific and cultural organization, as its newest member. The vote approving Palestine’s membership was overwhelming; 107 mem...
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I am inundated with unwanted mail, including local publications. For example, The Montecito Messenger began sending me its newspaper, which I never requested. Not wanting to receive it at my home, I ...
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Upon coming to the United States on a Fulbright Teaching scholarship, I became familiar with the lively American spirit and culture. During my time as a teaching associate at the University of Califor...
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Ends on ‘good terms’ but is blocked on Instagram
Slow fade
Ghosting them on a random Monday
“It’s not you, it’s me”
Drunk Uber “we need to talk” voice memo
Presents a notes app pros and cons list
Asks to still be friends
Drops their stuff off, never speaks to them again
Texts “this isn’t working” then posts from another country
“It’s not me, it’s you”
Tells them they need to focus on Econ 10A
Delivers a hand-written letter to their mom
