The Twitter-sphere, Facebook-sphere, Instagram-sphere and Snapchat-sphere were all set ablaze this past Sunday morning as the world caught wind of a ground-altering development somehow collectively set in motion by college students across the globe. According to our on-the-scene correspondent Abel Sonofsam, university-goers are no longer “down.” Upon enlisting the efforts of a certain Dr. Yugalini, co-vice head chancellor of Urban Dictionary, LLC, we have come to learn the following about the bewildering term “down.”
As per Dr. Yugalini’s telegram, the four-letter word actually has Germanic origins dating back to the 420th century DC (During Christ). While it originally referred to the entrails of a petrified cocker spaniel, it has since come to denote a state or sense of being very much interested in attending a given gathering, partaking in an aforementioned activity or otherwise being in agreement with someone about something.
With this being said, Dr. Yugalini postulates that students “no longer feel a deep yearning in their loins for pop quizzes and mystery meat sundaes. The days of university-based higher learning are, for better or for worse, numbered.”
Still, not everyone is pleased with the decision to ban college from college campuses. Duke Wellington of the Youngish Republicodemoliberty Squad Coalition Party shouted from a balcony Tuesday evening.
Not much was heard, but we assume he said, “This devilishly rash and subversive act of injustice will not go quietly into the night, lads! College deserves a platform! College will not be silenced!”
A decent teacher with tenure was also seen crying on the same balcony, but she turned into a bird and flew away before the Nexustentialism news team could get a statement.
There is no word on how or even whether Betsy DeVos and the rest of the Trump administration will respond.
However, President Trump did take to christiansinglesmeet.org/corinthians69 last night to cryptically type, “I asked for no croutons and was given croutons. Very unfair!”
Political pundits from both sides of the aisle hypothesize that this may have something to do with the recent abolition of college education.
Carson Nightly of The Midcoast Sentinel commented on his Pizza Hut order, “He’s clearly referring to minorities receiving a decent education when he says ‘croutons.’ #notmypresident!”
Others have differing opinions, perhaps the most prominent example being Lazy Bonejones of Datascuffles.
He insisted on his talk show this morning that President Trump is secretly “letting the American people know that universities are both fronts for marxist indoctrination and false flag operations meant to bolster the CIA’s long-standing mission to turn all the frogs gay.”
For up-to-the-millisecond updates as this story unfolds, be sure to follow @thedailynexus on Twitter.
When he’s not acquiring cold scoops or producing hot takes, Jake can be found being introspective in Malaysia with Vince Vaughn’s character from “Swingers.”
very cute but i prefer my satire more subtle