Courtesy of dirtydiaperlaundry.com

The Elf on the Shelf is a holiday classic that typically sits in the living room overlooking all the family activities — presumably on a nearby shelf. This festive little buddy comes out to decorate the house with candy canes and lights and does more than just overlook from his perch. He silently listens and judges every conversation when you think no one else is around. This holiday season, the Elf reported some of his favorite things he heard:

1. “Hey sweetie, guess what I got you?”

“If it’s your junk in a box, George, I don’t want to see it”

2. “Let’s leave Santa an ice with his cookies. He’ll have no choice but to drink it.”

3. “Mom, what if Santa skips our house because dad is Jewish?”

4. “Jim, if you label one more present ‘to my favorite mistake’ I swear.”

5. “My mother-in-law really makes me want to spike my egg nog.”

6. “I love Christmas. It’s the one time of year I can buy myself whatever I want without Linda down the street judging me.”

7. “Dessert doesn’t have calories on Christmas, right?”

8. “I’m re-gifting these shoes my son got me. I mean come on, blue is sooo last season. How can an eight-year-old not know that?”

9. “Wait, what do you mean Kwanza isn’t a slang term for Christmas?”

10. “New year, same me because you can’t get any better than perfect! *obnoxious laughter*”

Mia Roncati is a holiday fanatic who trusts no elf and fears no Santa.