Halloween is only a hop, skip and jump away, so here at the Daily Nexus, we’d like you to join us in conducting a bit of a thought experiment. Imagine that, just for a second, only evil individuals ran for president. Now, before an anti-establishment philosophy major named Cherub or Spirulina comments something like, “Only evil individuals run for president in real life,” it bears mentioning that I mean evil as in evil villains or monsters (because, you know, Halloween). Keeping this in mind, some valid questions include: What would these villainous nominees believe in? What sort of political parties would exist? Who or what would be leading in the polls? To help you answer these questions, I have compiled a bevy of political profiles for the top candidates.
1.) Nosferatu A.K.A. Dracula A.K.A. Count Drac A.K.A. OG Edward from Twilight
Longevity is this man’s middle name. He’s been running for as long as anyone can remember, and even though he’s never been close to winning, he’s not going down without a good whiff of garlic or a glimpse of the sun. He is a part of the Nocturnal Associates Brigade Party (members include most household pets, graveyard shift workers and traveling musical artists), so it goes without saying that his number one goal in office would be to put a giant set of curtains over the sky.
2.) The Headless Horseman A.K.A. No Headed Man on a Horse A.K.A. Paul Revere Without a Head
Before he headed to Capitol Hill in hopes of becoming the next POTUS, The Headless Horseman honed his political persona at the University of California, Headless Horsemen. He belongs to the More Rights for People Without Heads Party (of which he is the only member), so it should be obvious that his number one goal in office would be to give tax breaks to people without heads. He has received a lot of flack for his proposed tax breaks due to the fact that not one other person in the United States is known to lack a cranium.
3.) Hannibal Lecter A.K.A. Cannibal Lecter A.K.A. Are You Going to Finish That
Mr. Lecter has long been seen as the underdog in this presidential race, but that might all change in the coming months. He has recently received perfect scores from PETA, the Chick-Fil-A cows and the main characters in George Orwell’s Animal Farm for his recent efforts to curb animal meat consumption. This, combined with the intense backing of the Well Groomed Psychopath Party (famous members include Patrick Bateman and Dexter Morgan), has propelled him near the top of the political leaderboards.
4.) The Loch Ness Monster A.K.A. Shelly A.K.A. Loch
The Loch Ness Monster, simply put, is the standout nominee thus far. Hailing from the water, Ms. Monster has been known to offer a fresh perspective on all things land-based mammal. She is a part of the Super Seven Seas Party, a political powerhouse to say the least. Her supposed goals as president include adding dozens of waterparks to every major city in the U.S., decreasing the amount of peeing we do in the ocean and shutting down Sea World.