I Never Tell a Lie, Except for Those Times When I Do

The average person tells seven lies a day. I’m not sure if I read that from a Snapple fact or if I just made that up. But anyway, I didn’t believe it at first, until I started listening to half the shit I say. And turns out, it’s probably right. And I’m likely above average. […]

The Roommate Double-Double: Careful Where That Appetite Takes You

Logic is the devil of language. And you want to know why? Because it would make perfect sense for you to fall in love with your hookup’s roommate. Talk about a classic mix-up. Have you ever woken up after a night of (self-proclaimed) “slay city” and looked across the room only to find the most […]

She Said: “Looking like you don’t give a fuck that you’re not getting fucked is difficult.”

Valentine’s Day is over, and thank God for that. I’m not even talking about the relationship bullshit (well, not yet anyway). Now that the girls of I.V. are finally off the gluten/dairy/sugar-free crash diet, we can all stop being raging bitches. Looking like you don’t give a fuck that you’re not getting fucked is difficult. […]

“I’m Rooting for Peyton Manning”

Watching the Super Bowl for girls is like watching the WNBA … for anyone. We hate it, we really do. But we’d never tell you that. In fact, we spend our entire Super Bowl Sunday attempting to show you how much we like totes magotes know about football. This is the one day a year […]

“I’m Not a Slut, I Swear” and Other Bedroom Mantras

“Shit Girls Say” started an epidemic. I just watched “Shit People Say About Shit People Say Videos” for a solid minute and 39 seconds; yeah, it’s gotten to that point. But you know what they don’t have? A “Shit Guys and Girls Say During or After Hookups That Just Really, Really Should Not Be Happening.” […]

Booty Texting: How to Send the Right Message

We’ve all been guilty of booty calling. Or maybe not, but your day of shame will come, young grasshopper. “Hey, what are you doing,” “Where are you?” “Wanna hang?” all sound innocent … unless of course it’s 3 a.m. Answering the booty call is always awkward as shit. Here’s where the truth just doesn’t work: […]

Don’t Chase Shots, Chase Jerseys: How to Land Yourself One

So listen, syllabus week is over. It’s time to get your shit together. No, I’m not talking about getting your books, stop that. Do you know me at all? No, it’s Christmas season round 2: winter sports. See, the first time I heard the term “jersey chaser” I responded with, “I chase my alcohol with […]

Home Is Where the Heart Is, Not to Mention the Hassle-Free Lay

So now that you’ve gotten through the holidays, and hopefully entered into the New Year with a bang (hey, you deserve it!), it’s back to reality. And for some of us, thankfully, the lives we would much rather live. Sure, we all had some sort of reputation in high school, but luckily that persona only […]

Exercise Logic: Work Hard Now for Easy Booty Later

I was in class last week reading a texting conversation over this guy’s shoulder (stop judging me) where he was trying to hang on to his fuck buddy here in I.V. while simultaneously texting his ex-girlfriend from high school that he loved her. Yeah, I was pretty committed to gathering all of this information, sue […]

Road (Construction A)head

[media-credit name=”Natalie O” align=”alignright” width=”220″][/media-credit][media-credit name=”Ian Sander” align=”alignright” width=”250″][/media-credit]Road head is a lost art. Back in the days of curfews, navigating road head was almost as crucial as navigating my trusty Garmin. See, my parents instigated an early, rigid curfew to keep me “safe,” but hah, joke’s on them. Guess who wasn’t wearing a seatbelt? […]


Even Expert Scoundrals Must Strategize to Maximize Booty

Sometimes getting laid isn’t the problem; the problem is answering the booty call. No, I’m not talking about the girls who fight with themselves about their morals at 2:30 in the morning: “I’m not just a piece of ass! Well, he did take me to coffee that one time…” You’re not fooling anyone; we all […]

Out-of-Towners: Are They Really All That Bad?

Well now that you’ve all had the glory of saying you hooked up with a French maid, a firefighter or a slutty version of Kate Middleton, it’s time to snap out of that Halloween daze and get back to reality. Yes, the Wednesday Hump is reality. But, in honor of Halloween weekend, let’s talk about […]

There’s No ‘I’ In Team; And It Really Doesn’t Matter What Team You’re Playing for Anyway

There are a lot of good things about threesomes. You get to find out what your friends are really like in bed, you can actually live out the experience you already lied to your friends about having and, if you steal someone else’s outfit afterward, you might get some real use out of it. But […]

Cosmo Tips: Tried and True, or Truly Terrifying?

In “Legally Blonde,” Elle Woods refers to Cosmo as “the Bible.” While Cosmo did give me step-by-step instructions on how to give my first blowie, I don’t think I’d quite put it up there next to the Lord. If Cosmo is your sole source of sex tips, then I want you to curl up the […]

When Early Morning Stealth Fails, Awkwardness Prevails

If you haven’t had the sheer terror of waking up in a bed that’s not your own, with your first thought being, “I need to get the fuck out of here,” then you haven’t lived. No, I kid, I kid. Bravo. For those of us keeping the slut reputation of UCSB alive, this one’s for […]