“Shit Girls Say” started an epidemic. I just watched “Shit People Say About Shit People Say Videos” for a solid minute and 39 seconds; yeah, it’s gotten to that point. But you know what they don’t have? A “Shit Guys and Girls Say During or After Hookups That Just Really, Really Should Not Be Happening.” These are a few that need to stop:

 

1. The Unprovoked “What?”: God, classic. You’re sprawled out in bed, it’s 7 a.m. and the I.V. construction workers can blatantly see you in the buff through the window. He checks his watch, because, yes, he kept it on throughout the sex. The girl is awake first, as she always is, and just pretending to be asleep (fact). And then, shoot, you’re both awake and you both know it and no one’s talking … so, out of nowhere, the girl looks over and says “Whaaaat?” and the guy all of a sudden remembers why he doesn’t ever want a girlfriend, ever, and responds with, “Nothing.” Nothing, bitch. Nothing. You need to chill out. Nothing. The “what” is a recurring issue. Just stop asking, because, really, has it ever worked? Never has he turned and said, “Actually, you know, I have just been waiting for someone to ask me that. This is what is going on in my hea- Wait! Actually, can I just like have your number to chat? Just to cuddle for half an hour and then walk you home while concealing my boner?”

2. The Dirty Talk That Haunts You: Sometimes when you’re in bed (read: every time) someone says something that seems so perfectly fitting, but actually isn’t. And then you’re sitting in your 8 a.m. three days later and all of a sudden it creeps back into your head. You’re taking a test, trying to remember the answer to number 3 and all you can hear is, “Swallow that pimp juice” in that bedroom whisper, and you want to crawl into a hole and die. Like, what the fuck is the answer to number 3? That’s all I wanted to know.

3. The “I’m not a slut, I swear” Line: That awkward moment when both parties are completely naked and condom wrappers are coming off and all of a sudden it turns into a Dr. Phil session. There is no need to get into “what’s your number” talks, but for some reason girls seem to jump at the opportunity to save face before showing a guy their O-face. He probably didn’t think she was a slut when he brought her home, and even if he did, it clearly has not fazed him at all. But now the horrible buzz-kill moment of having to stop to put on a condom has turned into a 35-second segue into, “So listen, these are my morals.” Don’t worry about it. Either stop counting or stop sleeping around. Or call your sluttier friends — they always make you feel better. And even if you run out of fingers … or toes … numbers will always stretch to infinity.

4. The “No, no, you’re fine, let me push your head down farther” Move: Do you ever eat bananas? And by eat, I mean swallow them entirely whole. If you do, then congratulations! You don’t have a gag reflex! But for those of us that do, it’s really, really not a good time, when you’re coming up for air, for the guy to push your head down farther because you’re “almost there.” (Note: Your definition of “almost” is not the same as ours.) And then there’s the most horrifying moment of all: the run to the bathroom (fingers crossed you even make it) and proj-vom. No one wants that. Just lean back, yo. Lace your fingers behind your head, and we’ll take care of the one downstairs.

 

We all do it. We’re all guilty, and it’s fine. At least we’re not bored enough to make a video about it, or maybe we’re just too embarrassed. Probably both. Peace, love … pimp juice? Yup, yeah, right there with you. I wish I didn’t say it again, too.

Daily Nexus sex columnist Elizabeth Brooks is not a slut, she swears.

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