Opinion
On Saturday, April 7, local ladies’ man Brendan Marden bought tickets for himself and Jennifer Pollard for the newly re-released “Titanic” in 3D in an attempt to get laid. Marden, who had been ...
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As a UCSB student, you are going to graduate with a degree from an esteemed research university and will be able to get any job you want … or so you think. Many of us have all the qualifications nee...
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What is it about someone telling you to be nice that makes you want to punch them in the face? We’ve all been there — making fun of someone for something they did, hating a girl because she’s pr...
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March Madness, the Masters and Deltopia have all come and gone. Coachella is coming up, but it will pass too. With fleeting forms of entertainment coming and going, it’s assuring to know that we hav...
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As if singing songs, holding hands, and swallowing millennia-year-old dogma in the name of Christ’s gift of salvation every Sunday weren’t enough, Easter — the made-up day of Jesus’s cloud-mou...
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Have you ever woken up one morning and realized you’re the hipster? My friends talk about how they hate the self-involved hypocrisy of these types of folks. But every day I feel like more and more o...
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Nation. People. Literate UCSB students. I come before you today to offer a study that will revolutionize science. Its elegance, infallibility, and pure genius will force the Nobel committee to establi...
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When the Founding Fathers established this great nation, they did so in the name of one principal concept: individual liberty guaranteed by a divine creator. Our Constitution, the “Supreme Law” of...
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It’s finally upon us: the court case of the decade. Not since Bush v. Gore (2000) has a Supreme Court case garnered such widespread coverage and clout before a decision has even been passed — alth...
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Another year has gone by, and once again Floatopia was successfully banned. That’s three years now, which in my opinion is pretty damn depressing. As a third-year student, I got here just in time fo...
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Growing up, I believed a lot of ridiculous things. For example, I convinced myself that the force was real for a while after watching “Star Wars” — the movie, obviously, was exaggerated, but the...
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Money is flooding into political elections at an unprecedented rate, giving an enormous amount of influence to wealthy interests in our country. For decades special interest groups have spent millions...
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As everyone has heard by now, the viral marketing campaign KONY 2012, made by the nonprofit company Invisible Children, has recently come under intense scrutiny in the media. Most coverage of the mass...
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Hey man, why you looking so nervous? I know you’re not used to seeing guys with skin like mine anywhere other than on ESPN or in the news for some crime. But don’t be scared, homie; I’m n...
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On the night of Feb. 26, 2012, in Sanford, Florida, George Zimmerman shot and killed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. Miraculously, Zimmerman has not been arrested or charged with any crimes. Our readers w...
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Ride through the bike path without crashing
Find a seat at the red couches on the second floor of the library
Sunrise and sunset dip on the same day
Find parking on Del Playa Drive
Drunk for 24 hours
Bagel crawl
First pick at an Arbor muffin in the morning
Participate in a mosh pit at a band show
Finally talk to their class crush
Get an earlier pass time than their friends in GOLD
Graduate
Successfully walk through I.V. without seeing an old hookup
