News

Sheriff-elect Anderson shave mustache, dyes hair

April 1, 2002 by

Is a new hairdo and shave reason enough to lose a job in Santa Barbara County?If you ask Sheriff Jim Thomas, it is.
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Nanosystems Institute cures parking problem with very small cars

April 1, 2002 by

The proposed construction site for the new California NanoSystems Institute (CNSI) building will eliminate 1,407 parking spaces at UCSB.
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Now we’re treating you with respect, you worthless morons

April 1, 2002 by

We hold our readers in high regard here at the News-Suppress.
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College Republican American Hero Lecture: Saten, Hitler, Simon

April 1, 2002 by

The UCSB College Republicans announced a lineup for the fall, 2002 "American Heroes" lecture series that includes several well-known conservatives as well as unknown conservative Bill Simon, Jr., the ...
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Isla Vista building delayed by berrinal, urinal pools

April 1, 2002 by

Local environmental groups are mounting a campaign to oppose the construction of new sidewalks in Isla Vista on the grounds that such improvements would be damaging to local wildlife.
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Young Voices: who I did on spring break 02′

April 1, 2002 by

Matt, John, Jose, Paul, Jeff ... to name a few that I remember. This Spring Break was packed with stuff to do.
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Isla Vista historic sites suffer from too many visitors

April 1, 2002 by

They are the unappreciated places of Isla Vista, but at the same time, the most appreciated.
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feature photo: Godzilla visits campus

April 1, 2002 by

Editor’s Note: This story is from the April Fool’s issue of the Daily Nexus.
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U.S. Army nukes the Philippines

April 1, 2002 by

A U.S. salvage team has found the remains of five American servicemen killed in the Army helicopter which accidentally dropped a nuclear bomb while participating in a counter-terrorism drill in the so...
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ZZ Top held at Guantanamo Bay

April 1, 2002 by

KANDAHAR, Afghanistan (AP) - The first planeload of ZZ Top bandmembers and their bearded fans departed from a Marine base at Kandahar's airport Sunday night and was flown to a U.S. military detention ...
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Marklar expects Marklar to introduce marklar

April 1, 2002 by

Marklar (AP) - President Marklar renewed his appeal for a marklar stimulus marklar Marklar as part of his 2003 marklar that proposes $591 billion in new marklar reductions, including a permanent exten...
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Bush declares LA Lakers World Champions prior to playoffs

April 1, 2002 by

Washington, D.C. (AP) - President Bush declared the Los Angeles Lakers the 2002 NBA World Champions on Sunday, in order to keep the nation focused on the War on Terrorism.(c)
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Argument between homeless and IVRPD resolves to remain unresolved

April 1, 2002 by

After two months of ugly haggling, the Isla Vista Recreation and Parks District and local homeless advocates reached an agreement to go on arguing forever. The plan resolves everything by resolving ab...
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Martha Stewart comes out as replicant, reproduces asexually

April 1, 2002 by

Television hostess Martha Stewart - America's ideal stay-at-home mommy - became a mother on national television yesterday when she asexually birthed her own offspring.
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Hampton epiphany: ‘I am an idiot’

April 1, 2002 by

He was sitting on the toilet, captured in the moment, hands whirling and pumping like a small engine, when it happened: our illustrious and athletic Associated Students President, Brian Hampton, came ...
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