News

April 2, 2002

UCen Dining Services Plans Expansion

By Traci Bank

To help fill the ever increasing number of faculty, staff and student stomachs on campus, UCen Dining Services is planning a 3,000-square foot expansion of the Arbor and construction of a new caf

April 2, 2002

CEOs Speak at Annual ‘Entreprenuership 101’ Conference

By Lisa Cooper

The Center for Entrepreneurship and Engineering Management held its annual Entrepreneurship 101 conference in Corwin Pavilion on Saturday, March 9.

April 2, 2002

New Review Requests Submissions

By Jessica Jardine

The Law and Society Review, recently established by UCSB Law and Society Program Chair Eve Darian-Smith as the nation's first online publication for undergraduate law and society majors, began taking submissions Monday.

April 1, 2002

What’s gone wrong in Montecito

By Staff

Crabgrass. Leased Lexuses. Mid-priced wine. Turgid brie. Gas-powered leaf-blowers shattering the morning silence. Un-neutered dogs mating in the streets. When you add it all up, it has some Montecitans wondering what's g...

April 1, 2002

Sheriff-elect Anderson shave mustache, dyes hair

By Marisa Luis Minenez Staff Writer

Is a new hairdo and shave reason enough to lose a job in Santa Barbara County?If you ask Sheriff Jim Thomas, it is.

April 1, 2002

Nanosystems Institute cures parking problem with very small cars

By Josh Braun

The proposed construction site for the new California NanoSystems Institute (CNSI) building will eliminate 1,407 parking spaces at UCSB.

April 1, 2002

Now we’re treating you with respect, you worthless morons

By Eric Simons

We hold our readers in high regard here at the News-Suppress.

April 1, 2002

College Republican American Hero Lecture: Saten, Hitler, Simon

By Eric Simons

The UCSB College Republicans announced a lineup for the fall, 2002 "American Heroes" lecture series that includes several well-known conservatives as well as unknown conservative Bill Simon, Jr., the Republican candidate...

April 1, 2002

Isla Vista building delayed by berrinal, urinal pools

By Josh Braun and Anne Griffen Staff Writers

Local environmental groups are mounting a campaign to oppose the construction of new sidewalks in Isla Vista on the grounds that such improvements would be damaging to local wildlife.

April 1, 2002

Young Voices: who I did on spring break 02′

By Marisa Lagos

Matt, John, Jose, Paul, Jeff ... to name a few that I remember. This Spring Break was packed with stuff to do.

April 1, 2002

Isla Vista historic sites suffer from too many visitors

By Mylanta Burns Staff Writer

They are the unappreciated places of Isla Vista, but at the same time, the most appreciated.

April 1, 2002

Martha Stewart comes out as replicant, reproduces asexually

By Mylanta Burns Mylanta Burns II and Mylanta Burns III Staff Writers

Television hostess Martha Stewart - America's ideal stay-at-home mommy - became a mother on national television yesterday when she asexually birthed her own offspring.

April 1, 2002

Hampton epiphany: ‘I am an idiot’

By Mylanta Burns and Anne Griffen Staff Writers

He was sitting on the toilet, captured in the moment, hands whirling and pumping like a small engine, when it happened: our illustrious and athletic Associated Students President, Brian Hampton, came to the realization t...

April 1, 2002

Snowy plovers take law into their own hands

By LaDawn Hobbes Staff Writer

A young plover tucks his assault rifle under his wing and marches methodically along the barbed wire fences. From behind enemy lines, he scornfully eyes nature's biggest enemies: surfers, small children and puppies.

April 1, 2002

feature photo: Godzilla visits campus

By Staff

Editor’s Note: This story is from the April Fool’s issue of the Daily Nexus.

April 1, 2002

U.S. Army nukes the Philippines

By Staff

A U.S. salvage team has found the remains of five American servicemen killed in the Army helicopter which accidentally dropped a nuclear bomb while participating in a counter-terrorism drill in the southern Philippines,a...