Living Without Vowels: The Stabbing Pain in Your Heart Is Raw Love

Whoever said love is the universal language is full of shit. The true language of the universe is pain and loss. Everyone can testify that they've been hurt, be it a stubbed toe or the death of someon...
read more

Living Without Vowels: Move Out When the Roomie Chokes Himself, Chicken

It seems that my friend had come home to find Tim laying naked on the floor of their living room, a ski mask over his head and a noose tied around his throat.
read more

Living Without Vowels: U.S. Needs POW Rules

Let loose the dogs of war, or, if you're the Bush administration, keep them trapped in kennels of tin and steel with liberal access for poking sticks.
read more

Living Without Vowels: Don’t Go to College To Learn How Much You’ll Make

Students who enter the UC system because they have a desire to learn through research are frequently finding themselves in the company of those who couldn't give a damn. This creates an environment th...
read more

Living Without Vowels: See the Rats Scurry From Enron’s Sinking Ship

Perhaps most interesting is the uncanny ability of rats to jump ship when the vessel faces imminent doom. However, when the good ship Enron started taking on water, the government decided to ignore th...
read more

Living Without Vowels: Ringing in a Year of Disasters, Cartoons and Vomit

Most people make resolutions they won't keep, they plan for things that will never happen and they dream about how things will be different. I guess I can't blame them too much - optimism never killed...
read more

Living Without Vowels: When It Comes to Drugs, Watch Your Glass and Ass

While the decision to do drugs is a personal choice, anyone using them for the purposes of rape ought to have their gonads removed by a hungry poodle.
read more

Living Without Vowels: New Law Is a Smoke Screen for Stupidity

The board of supervisors just handed Santa Barbara County residents a 20-foot length of hose and told them to go blow smoke up their butts.
read more

Living Without Vowels: Meet the New Boss in Afghanistan, Same as the Old Boss

The Northern Alliance isn't your typical Boy Scout troup either. Their treatment of women hasn't been much better than that of the Taliban. Also, they've been devouring the care packages dropped by Am...
read more

Living Without Vowels: Talkin’ ’bout My Generation Braving A Whole New World

The idea of a generation trying to name itself was interesting, though. Too young to be a part of the slacker Generation X and too old to be a part of the intelligent yet dependent Generation Y, we've...
read more

Living Without Vowels: From Anthrax, With Love

Last Friday, I was working at one of my numerous jobs that takes advantage of my unique talent for stuffing and mailing envelopes when my boss materialized in front of my desk to tell me that I had ca...
read more

Living Without Vowels: The Creepy, Craky Tale Behind the UCen’s Past

Tomorrow is Halloween, and what this town needs is a good ghost story to get it in the mood. What follows is a tale of the darker side of UCSB, one of our community's own little urban legends.
read more

No One Rallies Around the Flag Like A Moron

There's just something about trying times that brings out the worst in people. While most would resort to anger or fear, Americans have a distinctive talent for falling back on their ability to be inh...
read more

Living Without Vowels: A Blockbuster Idea for National Defense

When the government enlisted top writers, directors and video game designers to help increase national security, people started scratching their heads.
read more

It’s the Noisy Apes That Get Noticed

Some of the things I've seen make me realize that it's no wonder people look at the student population of I.V. and denounce it as New Sodom.
read more