It’s when we’re young that we learn our most vital lessons: sharing is good; boys are icky and girls have cooties; never spend your bus fare at the arcade; and never put anything in your mouth if you don’t know where it’s been.

As we grow older, we amend the things we learn in order to apply them to our daily lives: share when you can; it’s actually good when a boy or girl touches you; always make sure you have emergency gas money stashed in your car. The list of things to be wary of putting in your mouth expands to include your roommate’s cooking, your partner’s genitals and unmarked pills.

For most of us, anyway.

The L.A. Times recently ran an article on party drugs, detailing the rise of a particular drug called ketamine – also known as “Special K.” The drug, a sedative originally used during the Vietnam War and now employed by veterinarians as an anaesthetic for cats, has expanded from the feline market to the rave and college scene.

The story followed one girl who had OD’d on the drug and ended up with the mental capabilities of a five-year-old. Not that anyone, or any family for that matter, deserves to go through the mental and emotional anguish of having your life come up double zeros on fortune’s wheel, but leave it to the youth of America to find new and intriguing ways of committing extreme acts of senseless stupidity.

Last year’s major drug upset was over Ritalin, which college students were snorting and ingesting in order to help them study. This was a striking depiction of our generation’s desire for the ends, regardless of the means.

Now that the term “recession” is being thrown around, it seems we’re falling back on recreational drugs to ease the pain of an uncertain future.

Ketamine, as well as causing impaired motor movements and hallucinations, can also have paralyzing effects, which led authorities to label it a date-rape drug.

While the decision to do drugs is a personal choice, anyone using them for the purposes of rape ought to have their gonads removed by a hungry poodle. Drugs like GHB and now ketamine are the ultimate resource for the necrophiliac in training: Once they’ve mastered an immobile-yet-warm body, they can move up to a rotting corpse.

The existence of such drugs means that we, and women especially, now have to observe all the important college rules, such as don’t leave your drink unattended, don’t accept an open container or glass from someone you don’t know or don’t know very well, and pour your own drinks, if possible.

In fact, all of these are just a variation on the theme we learned as kids: Never put anything in your mouth if you don’t know where it’s been.

The war on drugs is a dismal failure because it ignores a fundamental aspect of humanity. If people want to do something, they sure as hell will find a way. The best way for drug use to be significantly curtailed is through the individual’s decision not to fuck with the hardwiring in their heads.

Make sure you listen to your inner child. If you don’t, you might end up back in kindergarten, having to learn life’s simple lessons all over again.

Daily Nexus columnist Steven Ruszczycky plans on treating his inner child to a few drinks once finals are over. He’ll see you all next quarter.