Emma Demorest / Daily Nexus
Tired of all that foreskin weighing you down? Well, we’ve got great news for you: Student Health is now offering complimentary circumcisions to lighten your load! Come on down to the Student Health center and get yourself a thoroughly modern member — free of charge — now and through the end of spring quarter!
Signed into law by a recently passed Associated Students Senate bill, the new service reportedly has the capacity to perform over 150 circumcisions per day, but lines stretching several times around the building suggest that those looking to go under the knife ought to act fast!
“Wow, I feel like I’ve had the weight of the world lifted off of my pubis,” said freshly snipped student Richard Wang. “I’m finally free!”
Officials from Student Health have urged students to take advantage of this limited-time offer, reminding them that “there’s no time like the present” and that “we’re not in Europe, so what’re you hanging onto it for?”
Students have responded to the new program with overwhelming positivity, lining up in droves to make use of this new on-campus outpatient procedure. Glans across campus are finally seeing the light of day, and patients who have undergone the elective operation are thrilled to share their results.
“I’m just so excited to show it off,” said student Jamie Johnson regarding their newly pruned peen. “I’ve already sent pictures to half of my contacts,” Johnson eagerly told Nexustentialism.
Nexustentialism tried to gently remind Johnson about the rules of dick-pic etiquette, but it seems that our efforts did little to dissuade the publicity antics of the cut crusader. Nonetheless, responses to the unsolicited phallus photography have surprisingly been largely positive — go figure.
Unprompted peen pics aside, however, schlongéd individuals throughout the greater Isla Vista area have expressed gratitude for the availability of the program, some even going so far as to become return customers. Don’t ask us how that works, though; we’re just as confused as you are.
All foreskins removed will be donated to circumcised men in need.
Henri Bemis hopes his foreskin found a good home
OK, I get that this is satire, but I’d pay a year’s salary rather than be circumcised or have my son circumcised. Why would I want the most sensitive and pleasurable parts cut off? That little bit of skin makes a big difference (it’s not just there to protect the glans).
I’m uncircumcised and you are trolling about foreskin being the most sensitive part of a man’s body. Nice try, you people are just as bad as anti-vaxxers.
There seems to be a lot of variation between individuals, but I can say for a fact that my inner foreskin contains the most sensitive and pleasurable parts of my genitals. It isn’t even close. Pubmed 17378847 suggests that it’s the same for a lot of other men. The intactivists aren’t the crazy people here. Three national medical organizations (Iceland, Sweden and Germany) have called for elective infant male circumcision to be *banned*, and two others (Denmark and the Netherlands) have said they’d support a ban if they didn’t think it would drive the practice underground. “Routine” circumcision *is* banned… Read more »
It’s incredible that they’re trying to talk men into this barbaric procedure when Western Europe and Japan are systematically finding in research that circumcision is extremely harmful to sexual function, especially as men age. The foreskin is double-layered skin and, in intact men, it slides on itself like a water squiggly, which means that even a bone dry organ is completely functional. Cut men need lube to do anything, which is why circumcision began in the first place – to hinder sexual function. Then, the underside of the foreskin is super sensitive. When it drapes back during sex, most of… Read more »
If he got sliced his IQ says he will soon flunk out.