Lagoon “Very Impressed” With Length and Girth of Storke Tower

Sources have confirmed that the Lagoon and Storke Tower “hooked up” for the first time this past Saturday night. The two were seen canoodling outside a party at their mutual friend Campbell Hall’s house. Friends of the Lagoon say that she was initially attracted to Storke Tower’s imposing physical stature.

“He’s even bigger than you think,” the Lagoon said.

Friends of the Lagoon believe it is only a matter of time until the two are an item. However, the Lagoon expressed concern about whether it could work out due to their radically different upbringings.

“My parents are very traditional and I’m worried about whether they could accept a mixed relationship,” the Lagoon said. “There are so many forces working against a romance between a manmade structure and a geological formation, even in this day and age, but I really hope it works out.”

Unfortunately, Storke Tower did not seem to share the same level of enthusiasm about the budding romance. “The Lagoon is a nice girl. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely had fun Saturday, but I don’t know if she’s ‘girlfriend’ material,” Storke Tower explained to reporters. “She’s cute but she just looks kind of dirty most of the time.”

Daily Nexus satire columnist Matt Renner is self-reportedly “down for the brown” if Storke Tower isn’t gonna take the bait.