Trump’s mental decline causes him to forget he’s closeted

In recent months President Donald Trump’s mental faculties have taken a steep decline, leading to nonsensical rants, cozy naps at sporting events and — unsurprisingly — homosexual behavior. Many experts cite the recent midterms campaign where, among Trump’s talking points, he seemed to consistently fall back to complimenting and gesturing suggestively to describe the Ohio Republican Senator Jon Husted’s beefy and powerful ass. 

This single comment initially appeared to be a one-off before Trump continued to reiterate the point, alongside complimenting his “massive feet” and hands with “fingers like sausages.” Republican voters were puzzled by this repeated campaign message, likely leading to Husted losing his seat and being beaten by Democrat Senator-elect Sherrod Brown. 

Following the flip, Brown’s campaign team actually cited their lack of ass-focused commentary as the biggest driver for voters on their side of the campaign trail. Ohio Democrats stated the lack of rear discussion compared to the opposition seemed, “sane” and “not entirely batshit”.

While many are now seeing the rise in Trump’s Gay Actions per Year (G.A.Y.), eagle-eyed Americans noticed a clear shift with the incoming presence of the new reigning bear-daddy of politics, Zohran Mamdani. New York City’s own mayor has proven to not only be a force in the public sphere, but also in the heart of our own President. Upon first meeting Trump remarked that he was “even better looking in person” compared to his television appearances, followed by endless accounts of the President seemingly unable to resist describing him as “handsome” — completely unprovoked by the press.

To get local perspective from Trump voters we talked to Jaques Strapp, a fourth-year economics major who voted Republican this midterm and plans to vote for Trump in 2028 despite the Constitution barring presidents from serving more than two terms.

“I mean, I’ve been looking a lot at this Husted guy’s ass and I don’t know what Trump’s talking about — his ass isn’t even that impressive. It doesn’t even look like he can squat 200,” Strapp said as he pulled out a close-up picture of Senator John Husted’s ass on his phone before hurriedly shoving it into his pocket.

Unprovoked, he then said: “And no it’s not gay that I have pictures of a guys ass on my phone shut the fuck up,” Strapp took a beat to breathe, “That Mamdani though bro, he does have something about him. I must say the full beard is very good, very high test [testosterone],” Strap said.

Seeing the voter base rattled by this commentary, Trump staffers and the White House have taken precautions to prevent more homosexual incidents leaking to the public. The Daily Nexus spoke to White House Interior Affairs Director, Kay Hole, about the process.

“We have to monitor everything, he keeps switching from Fox News to the wrestling channel and then makes weird noises until we switch it back, it’s becoming unmanageable,” Hole remarked.

As Hole further detailed the practices to keep the President’s activities in check he then shifted into the long line of White House officials who had walked this same path before him.

“Many staffers had to hide the gayness before, more than you would think. JFK obviously and of course LBJ, who really put the BJ in his name. Even Clinton; the whole Monica situation was a coverup for his fling with Secretary of Labor Robert Reich,” Hole also told the Daily Nexus.

The list of homoerotic Presidents and their various tales seemed to be never-ending, but the sheer amount of queer coverups over the years seemed to only emblazen Hole in their quest to conceal the truth. 

“Either way, we have to keep this under wraps, or else will have the first openly gay president. Not to mention, we’d have a second if Trump croaks while JD’s still in line,” Hole stated.

As the queer struggles of the White House carry on, and the rest of the country basks in the glow of the blue wave, there’s no doubt that gay energy is on the rise. We can only hope to surf this queer wave into our nation’s future — a future that’s not only beautiful, but truly booty-iful.

Jessie Joint is libbing out.