DLG set to receive mystery meat from frat hazing ritual

While UC Santa Barbara students dining in the hallowed halls of De La Guerra Dining Commons may be familiar with the entertaining nature of the fraternity hazing process — which often includes table-top speeches from pledges — they were unaware they were participating in a more “interactive” aspect of hazing.

The problematic practice of hazing involves a variety of pointless torture methods skewed toward mid homo-eroticism, but the ritual of making fraternity pledges raise animals only to later end their lives themselves is seen to be one of the most morally bankrupt. However, due to recent meat shortages caused by the rising demand for protein-heavy foods, De La Guerra Dining Commons (DLG) has turned to UCSB’s fraternities to request donations of the meat remaining from the hazing activities, leading to the incoming mystery meat order to DLG.

Pi Iota Gamma (P.I.G) was the fraternity selected to, in just a few days, eliminate and donate their guinea pig “remnants” following the completion of the “raising cycle,” during which pledges cared for their assigned pet and grew to love it. This appalling concept was not lost on many of the frat pledges who had joined rush a few weeks into the fall. 

Mike Hunt, a second year communications major, was eager to show off his pet, which he held up to his face and stared into his eyes with melancholic sadness only seen in Victorian children. 

“I love my cute pet guinea pig so much, I named him after my two favorite things: meet ‘Sydney Sweeney PS5,’” Hunt said. ”He is just the sweetest and we both share similar interests like carrots and burrowing ourselves underground to escape the crushing pressure of reality — he really is just like me.” 

With time to the DLG shipment growing shorter, more pledges have been coming to the sobering reality about what will happen to their beloved pets. One pledge is inspired to take action.

P.I.G pledge Robb Err, a first-year data science major, notified us of his plot to secure the guinea pigs’ freedom. The Daily Nexus waited outside the P.I.G house where we saw him descend from the second story window before slipping off the siding and crash-landing alongside a massive trash bag that seemed to be vibrating.

“I couldn’t stand the thought of all those cute guinea pigs being killed for no good reason, so I’m taking them all to the edge of IV and I’m releasing them into the wild,” Err claimed as he made a grand gesture with his hands from the bag to the sky. “They at least have a chance that way”.

As Err arrived at the edge of the street and prepared to open the bag, he turned around to see all of his fellow frat pledges sprinting behind him.

“No please! Not my precious mini piggy!” Hunt yelled. 

Many of the pledges have obsessively installed AirTags on their guinea pigs and were notified when they were taken from the house. As the pledges ran in tears and were reunited with their beloved pets, they agreed to not end the lives of their animals, but to embrace the true nature of the P.I.G house, instead gaining about 50 new house mascots. 

The guinea pigs of the P.I.G fraternity now live lavish lives eating as many carrots as they can consume with the companionship of their equally piggy frat boys. Sadly, DLG is now in crisis without their order and are scrambling local horse stables and gym bros for suitable mystery meat.

Jessie Joint has adopted a guinea pig.