Juliet Becker / Daily Nexus
With spring quarter coming to an end, many students may anticipate summer fun: trading in the sunny Isla Vista lifestyle for eight hours behind a desk everyday at a summer internship.
You might have a consulting internship at one of the “Big 4,” a nepo internship at your family friend’s law firm, an unpaid internship on the hill or a “social media internship” at your local coffee shop where you spend most of your shift behind the bar. Regardless, the main goal of an internship is always clear: a return offer.
Here are some tips you can use to ensure that you have the honor of joining the workforce next year.
- Use your seductive prowess
Sex sells. What’s more cliche than the old executives at the office checking out the hot new intern? Dress the part: wear shirts so low-cut that they tease your cleavage or pants so tight that they show your bulge. Give your boss the fuck-me eyes in meetings or play footsie with them under the table, if you’re really bold.
“Sleeping your way to the top” is a saying for a reason. Many people have been able to climb the corporate ladder because they used their sexuality. And when is a better time to do so than in your youth?
The key: do NOT sleep with fellow interns. They will give you nothing. No opportunities. Higher-up executives have more sexual experience, the power to promote you and weirder kinks to exploit, probably. Maybe do some research into your boss’s upbringing. Based on their childhood traumas, you may be able to psychoanalyze them and extrapolate their fetishes. Use that to your advantage.
- Assert dominance
No one will ever notice an intern who just sits in the corner of meetings and takes notes. You need to make yourself seen, heard and smelled. Pheromones are a powerful tool to subtly communicate your dominance to the office in an animalistic way.
When you meet people in the office, do NOT let go of their hands after shaking. This will throw them off their game and let them know that you’re serious. Plus, when you’re holding hands, you can start a conversation and get to know them better.
Another way to assert dominance in the workplace is to interrupt your boss. Let them know that you see them as an equal, if not inferior, to you. Call them by a nickname, even, like “buddy.”
- Take all your intellectual property when you go
Any work you might have done for the company, any materials you produced on their behalf, any research you did — send it to yourself and then delete it from the company’s database. You have to play hard to get. Let them know that you’re indispensable.
They can’t have their cake and eat it too. If they want your work, then they’re gonna have to give you an offer to come back. Especially if you didn’t get paid for your time there, you owe them nothing!
The rules of dating and getting a return offer are the same. Play hard to get. Don’t show all your cards. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. They don’t deserve you if they don’t want to commit to you. Know your worth. Take that intellectual property and go. Don’t look back. Don’t pick up their calls. If they try to serve you papers, skip town.
If you follow this advice, you will surely go on to a luxurious life of prosperity. Start picking out the paintings you want at Sotheby’s, the yachts you want to sail around the South of France and your sugar baby whose rent you will pay.
Joseph R. Biden wants a return offer? I hardly know ‘er!
