Madeline Bryce / Daily Nexus

By the time spring quarter rolls around, most microtrends hanging in your closet are out of fashion, meaning you need to find a new aesthetic to base your personality off of for the next few months. We all know coquette is out for 2026 and the 2016 trends came and went faster than your first boyfriend. 

So how will you know what to overconsume until you get bored if no one is telling you what’s cool? Well look no further because we are here to help. Forget about trends and find your true self through this simple test. 

Playa Life I.V.: Classic Isla Vista bum. Probably in a frat and keeps Snag in business getting ZYNs delivered. Doesn’t let his girlfriend stop him from finding his next girlfriend. Coke addiction optional.

Harwin & Co.: Mom of the friend group, but kinda a shitty mom. The kind of mom that forgets to pick up her kids from school and wears Cookie Monster pajama pants. Minivan smells like menthol cigarettes and McDonald’s. Kids are fed, good job mamas!

IV Properties: Daddy’s money. Enjoys the luxuries of black mold-free bathrooms and renovated parking spots. Probably paying out-of-state tuition. First head on the guillotine once I.V. gains class consciousness. 

KAMAP Property Management: Reddit moderator. Probably has never set foot in a party and prefers hopping on Discord. Hey, no judgement, not everyone can be a PogChamp!

Sierra Property Management: Total granola girl. Probably has a fridge full of overnight oats and chia pudding. Climbed Half Dome for spring break and wears a CamelBak to class. Body is a temple except for the occasional IPA. You go, girl! 

Campus 880: Probably a Santa Barbara City College student larping as a Gaucho. If not, probably a Gaucho larping as a SBCC student. Go to class.

St. George & Associates: Fifth-year economics major. Probably dating a freshman. Sheets haven’t been washed since year three and lives on a diet of Super Cucas and six packs from Six-Pak Shop. Perpetually unemployed.

Wolfe & Associates: One hell of a woman. Probably sexy, gorgeous and smart. Life of the party and always does her dishes. Marry me please.

On Campus: Freshman noob. Probably jerks off in the showers (valid) while spreading five strains of Frat Flu through saliva swapping. Focus on passing CHEM1B and spend less time at Sharkeez. Don’t take it personally though, it’s a right of passage.

Lucille My Balls spends her days judging books by covers and her nights crying herself to sleep.