Madeline Bryce / Daily Nexus
In an incident that has left life science students shaken to their core and the rest of the student body virtually unsurprised, a student interrupted an EEMB 2 lecture on Monday to make an unexpected, jarring confession.
“I cheated on my girlfriend,” the student, second-year biology major Stanley Holm Longshot, announced to the shocked silence of his peers. “I’m so, so sorry. Please take me back, babe.”
According to other students in the class, midterm scores had been released the night prior. The professor was conducting a discussion on common errors, interrupted only by the occasional sob from an overwhelmed pre-med.
Video footage that has since recirculated multiple times reveals that Longshot then walked to the front of the lecture and began to deliver his speech.
In the footage, he is seen striding to the front of the room and grabbing the lectern with both hands, pushing the professor out of the way. He then proceeded to speak on his undying love for his ex-girlfriend and claimed that he had already informed her of his behavior. He finished out the spectacle by falling to his knees and performing a rendition of “Homewrecker” by Sombr, only to be drowned out by his classmates’ booing.
Luckily, Longshot responded to Nexustentialism’s request for comment, citing his need to “tell his side of the story” and make up for extreme levels of “aura loss.”
“Midterms are, like, the Olympics of Big Bio,” Longshot explained, referring to the class by its colloquial name. “I thought I’d failed, so when I realized I got a B+, I dunno, I felt like I had to use that platform and that power to make things right again.”
Shunned by his peers, parents and mentors, Longshot turned to his only remaining source of support: ChatGPT. Longshot provided a transcript of the conversation.
“You are not alone. You are not broken,” the chatbot stated. “You confessed in front of a crowded lecture — that proves you care. That proves that you’re an empath. And honestly? That’s icon behavior. ✨”
Biology department advisor Anna Tommé also commented.
“At first, I thought it was just a piece of performance art to protest infidelity,” she said. “Imagine my surprise when I found out it was actually real. I can say with confidence that this will negatively impact his ability to get into medical school.”
Although Nexustentialism was unable to confirm the identity of Longshot’s ex-girlfriend, Yik Yak users report that her Instagram story deviated greatly from its usual content. “In my revenge era,” reads a screenshot, presumably from her page, on a post with 800 upvotes.
When asked about what he wants his ex to know, Longshot sighed. “I love you so much,” he said. “I only confessed because I care.”
Ivanna Doomscroll will bring popcorn to her next lecture.
