Madeline Bryce/Daily Nexus

In accordance with the wishes of our beloved well-endowed president, UCSB has renovated its curriculum, replacing all the ugly WOKENESS with PATRIOTIC teachings. Here is a list of our beloved leader’s proposed changes:

Feminist studies is to be replaced with white men studies, where students learn about how hard it is to be a white man and how much they’re OPPRESSED by SOCIETY.

The previously WOKE anatomy and health science department has been replaced with an RFK-approved anatomy and health science department which offers classes such as Introduction to Phrenology, Giving Lobotomies for Beginners and Curing Illnesses With Essential Oils and Crystals 101. 

All of the filthy DEMOCRATIC blue paint has been taken away from the Art Department and replaced with honest REPUBLICAN red paint.

The English Department is no longer allowed to feature the following WOKE books: “Animal Farm,” the Constitution, “Grammar For Beginners,” “Horton Hears a Who!” and “The Martha Stewart Cookbook.” Instead, they will only be teaching PATRIOTIC and AMERICAN works such as the Bible, “The Art of the Deal” and “Green Eggs and Ham.” And when we say the Bible, we only mean the GOOD, SAFE BOOKS, like the Book of Judges and the Book of Ezekiel, and not THE WOKE DEI PARTS like the Book of Exodus. 

There will be MANDATORY makeup classes for all women because our glorious leader is tired of seeing UGLY PEOPLE everywhere. If you are not sufficiently HOT enough, then you’re NOT ALLOWED TO GRADUATE. AND, if a man so much as THINKS about applying FOR A MAKEUP CLASS, WE’RE SHUTTING THE WHOLE STINKING COLLEGE DOWN AND REPLACING IT WITH A GOLF COURSE.

The English Department can’t teach students what pronouns are.  

By Benjamin Epstein