Are you an undecided voter who can’t bear to choose between the obviously equally-evil candidates on the ballot? Can you not stand to see your country barrel down the path of far-right, totalitarian fascism or wokeism? Worry not: as is with all critical events, Nexustentialism has provided a complete guide of for whom you should vote, all the way down the ballot!
- U.S. President – Butch Ware
UC Santa Barbara professor, Green Party vice presidential nominee, “servant of the real” according to himself – what can’t he do? Butch Ware is limiting himself right now by only running for Vice President. Do your patriotic duty and write in “Butch Ware” on your ballot for President! Who would be better to lead the country than someone who knows the true horrors of Isla Vista?
- U.S. Vice President – donatella VERSACE
donatella VERSACE, known somewhat for her involvement in the Versace empire, but better for her face and Instagram comments, is a legend who deserves to reside in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building. Although she has little political experience, her cultural impact is beyond that of any simple politician or felon.
- U.S. Senate – Giuseppe the goat
Many Isla Vistans know Giuseppe for making appearances across our unincorporated community, but real fans who follow his Instagram know that he also has important commentary on foreign policy issues. His passion for meeting people on the ground, combined with is extensive knowledge of geopolitical issues, makes him the perfect candidate to be our next Senator.
- U.S. House of Representatives – Peanut butter smoothie from Blenders
We all know it, we all love it. There truly is no better figure to hold office in the House of Representatives than the peanut butter smoothie from Blenders, add chocolate, add whey protein. Based on the current look of Congress, this may be one of the more productive and educated future members of the House.
- California Senate – Ben Dover
Ben Dover? I hardly know ‘er!
- California Assembly – Chamoy pickle
The chamoy pickle kit craze of the 2020s trumped any popularity achievable by a traditional politician. We need someone in the Assembly seat who can contact all voters, regardless of party. Thankfully, chamoy pickles reach across the aisle, coming in red, blue, purple and Libertarian.
- IVCSD – Donald Trump
While most people may know Trump for his third presidential campaign, his talents may be better fit for a role like Isla Vista Community Services District (IVCSD) member. His campaign is based on promises such as cleaning up the streets, banning tablers and bringing back Ganja House.
Joseph R. Biden will vote via Instagram story poll.
