As a white man with no morals strong enough to form real political views, I was unsure of who to vote for in the upcoming election. Trump’s attempted overthrow of our country wasn’t quite enough to dissuade me, but a new factor has played a role in my voting plan: bitches.

It appears as though basically all girls (at least, only the hot ones) have decided that they support Kamala Harris. In an effort to continue my spectacular sexual prowess, I have made the extremely difficult decision to vote for Harris and Tim Walz in the upcoming election.

The second I made said decision, I hit up my recently-acquired situationship.

“It’s so fucked up how Trump sucks or wtvr wyd tn?” I sent in a chat.

Suddenly, she appeared at my door–oiled up! My endorsement worked like a charm. I decided to take further action to prove my political involvement. I bought one of those camouflage Harris Walz hats and wore it around campus for a few days.

Unfortunately, my hat did not take over women totally and completely. Dumb bitches. I was just joking around with this girl in my class and she just didn’t get it.

“No, what I said wasn’t misogynistic because I was making fun of ‘white women’. It’s actually very anti-racist,” I said. She didn’t understand because, as usual, girls just don’t know what’s good for them.

That night at a party, I tried to work some of my new political views into my rizz. Thankfully, the 12 seltzers each that I fed to the girls really warmed them up to me.

“I’m really concerned about injustices against people and stuff…do you know about that?” I asked this one bitch.

“Blah blah blahjfhwiefo,” she said.

When my attempts at getting laid weren’t working, I went inside to talk to my boys. My buddy, Jack, did a super funny impression of this one girl he fucked last night (and who I fucked last week). Really made me laugh.

I made my way back outside to sweep up my hole for the night. I laid it on thick.

“I’m voting for Kamala. What about you?” I asked this freshman.

She ended up coming home with me. Oldest trick in the book.

I feel really fulfilled knowing that I’m making the world a better place for minorities and whatever. Honestly, they should be more thankful for my support. Everyone is so ungrateful nowadays. I don’t actually feel like voting because registering is way too much work, but it’s the thought that counts.

Joseph R. Biden is breaking character to (not satirically) endorse Kamala Harris.