“Hey! Yeah, you! You look pretty tired, do you maybe want to take a seat?” 

Officer Phreack laid like a statue on the 66′ block of Del Playa Drive, face painted industrial gray to complete his concrete costume. He had two goals: reach his ticket quota and make eye contact with a girl. His plan? Genius. 

Hours before the sun set and Isla Vista residents took to the streets to celebrate their Halloween, Phreack was setting up his costume. He lined himself up perfectly with the real sidewalks and began to blend himself in completely so that by sun down, he was already fully in character. Once students began walking past, it was time to act. 

“Hey! SIT DOWN!” he screamed, scaring a group of construction workers nearby. 

Time and time again, Phreack tried to get students to sit down, but even the drunkest of freshmen just kept walking, confused and frightened at the talking floor. As the hours passed and the 1,342,420th angel walked by, it became hard for Phreack to keep hope that his plan would work. With no tickets written, he had to change his strategy. Phreack shifted his position, crawling his way to the parking lot outside of Deja Vu. There, he waited for some hungry students to dig into their food and hopefully take a seat. Finally, he found his target.

“Guuuyyyyysssssssssssss!! I NEED to sit dooooown. Right now,” shouted unlucky second-year environmental studies major Julia Tran. She moved towards the curb and started to sit down, when suddenly, her body convulsed. “Um, guys … do you have a hair tie?”

“PLEASE DO NOT THROW UP HERE!” begged Phreack, but it was too late. Tran threw up all over Phreack as well as his costume and then just walked straight home with her friends, leaving Phreack even worse off than he was before. 

Covered in puke and still completely unsuccessful, Phreack decided to return to Del Playa Drive and lay down in his original spot for another hour before calling it. Eventually, a group of five students did sit down right on top of him, all too drunk to stand, with open containers and lit joints in their mouths. Unfortunately, their combined weight pinned Phreack to the ground, leaving him unable to ticket any of them. By the time they finally got up, Phreack’s body was completely numb, and he was just happy to be free. 

Gauchos have passed down this wisdom to every generation and will continue to do so as long as I.V. cops are a bunch of weirdos. Do not sit on the curb! You never know where a cop may appear, and you better hope it’s not under you!

Fart Tent dedicates this article to BUTT.