Shocking: “Freshman 15” revealed to be psyop by Big Lettuce

In a revelation that has shocked college freshmen and still-bitter post-grads across the nation, the notorious “freshman 15” has been revealed to be a myth constructed by Big Lettuce in order to sell more salads.

This shocking truth became known to the public after private messages between executives at International Lettuce Inc. leaked on X. The messages include incriminating statements such as “you gotta sell green to make green” and “they dont know im buying a yacht with their lunch money.”

After a thorough analysis of the leaked messages, the Daily Nexus was able to piece together the history of this decades-long psychological operation targeting innocent students. 

The term “freshman 15” refers to the alleged 15 additional pounds of weight that college students gain over the course of their first year after being tasked with the new responsibility of feeding themselves. The term originated in a Seventeen magazine article and since then has been thought to be a harmless pop-culture alliteration — that is until the leaked messages revealed its truly insidious purpose.

In reality, the article was paid for by International Lettuce Inc. As the term spread, millions of adolescents were tricked into believing that a healthy diet was necessary in order to prevent weight gain with college freshmen turning to fresh, lettuce-laden salad as a solution.

Multiple students had strong opinions about UC Santa Barbara’s role in this scandal, given that the university sells salads in multiple places, from campus cafés to the Arbor.

 “We are complicit,” third-year comparative literature major Moralee Supérieure said. “If you’ve ever eaten a salad, shame on you. You are contributing to a growing mental health crisis and environmental destruction.” Supérieure also mentioned that she will be toilet-papering De La Guerra in solidarity with those impacted by the diarrhea-causing cyclospora outbreak. 

While those living in Isla Vista and in off-campus accommodations tend to scoff at lowly underclassmen who buy into obvious myths like freshman 15, many first-years feel blindsided by this newfound information. Those rushing fraternities and sororities for the first time felt particularly impacted. 

“When I pledged Delta Smellta, they told me I’d get kicked out if I gained the 15,” first-year communication major Chad Chuddister said. “I literally told my mom to sign me up for the 45 meals/week plan so I could have unlimited salad bar access.”

While inexperienced freshmen like Chuddister continue to suffer, those with graduation around the corner take a more nonchalant approach.

 “This is such a non-issue. Why would you eat a salad when you could have Wingstop and Jell-O shots instead?” fourth-year economics major Nazz Daq asked. “Anyway. Just know that when International Lettuce Inc. goes public, I’m going to be making bank.”

Ivanna Doomscroll apologizes for her continued support of the salad industrial complex.