Actions speak louder than words, why just say you want your roomie gone?

So the end of the year is quickly approaching and leases need to be reviewed, but you have one critical problem: you want to live with your bestie instead of your roommate! Unfortunately, your roomie has made no plans to move out and time is running out before that renewal notice comes in. Worry not! Here’s our list of ways to be the worst roommate that we guarantee will have them scrambling to find a new lease.

1. Change the Wi-Fi password. 

Does your roommate have recorded lectures they need to review or homework assignments due in an hour or so? Change the Wi-Fi password without informing them! It’s most likely that the first 20 minutes will be spent frantically trying to reset the router as they waste their data to email the professor about tech issues.

Once they realize that it’s not the router at all, feel free to ignore any texts or calls for the next couple hours and say that you were in class. If you’re feeling up for the challenge, concoct a story on the importance of the lecture they were interrupting. Don’t forget to give them the incorrect password a handful of times before finally giving up the right one. For a fun twist, take the router with you instead! Who needs a hotspot when you have a mobile source in your bag?

2. Sleep in their bed.

Their bed always looks so comfy, doesn’t it? A nice mattress pad, a fluffy blanket and a mountain of pillows would make a lovely cocoon for a sleepy little guy such as yourself. Sure, you have your own bed and even the couch in the living room, but that’s just so boring and it’s really important to shake things up! If and when they confront you, give them a lecture on how important it is for you as a student to have new experiences and try new things. 

3. Disrupt meal plans. 

Everyone knows how important it is to eat proper amounts of food and to not buy too much. One of the easiest things you can do to ruin their week is totally stir up their meal scheduling! Help yourself to their leftovers, but leave one bite in the container so they keep their hopes up when they grab it. Does your roommate have mild specific dietary needs like being dairy-free? Finish off the last carton of their favorite milk alternative without telling them so they don’t realize until mid-way into making a meal! Consider inviting a friend over when dinner for only you two was planned so food has to be portioned in a way that it’s just slightly not enough. You’ll have your roommate praying to a god they don’t believe in for the 9 p.m. bus to actually arrive because the real villain here is the 27. 

4. Master the art of hypocrisy.

If you find yourself needing a new hobby while forcing your current roommate out, consider learning the age-old technique of hypocrisy. It may take a lot of research and a brief online class on gaslighting before you get the hang of it, but hypocrisy is this writer’s Top Tip! This is also the most versatile on our list and the most customizable to your situation. Scold your roommate for not doing chores perfectly and neglect yours entirely, tell them off for not engaging in conversation and refuse to communicate over anything, criticize them for leaving a pair of shoes in the wrong spot and leave your whole dirty laundry basket on the couch. Don’t forget to utilize those gaslighting skills you learn along the way to make your roommate feel guilty for even bringing that up. 

5. Win the blame game. 

The final tip this writer has to offer is to blame your roommate for every problem that pops up, especially totally illogical ones. It’s optional to believe that they’ve really caused any of these but it makes it far easier to come up with things that could never be your fault. Did you track mud everywhere after yet another biblical-level flood? That’s actually your roommate’s fault for not designing a predictive automatic maid. You didn’t wash your pile of dishes and the sink is starting to smell really bad? Clearly, your roommate was using it as a secret compost bin and just didn’t take out your old things first. If it’s a problem that affects you, it’s something you can blame on them, because obviously you can do no wrong!

That does it for this week’s tips and tricks list. Obviously, not all of these can apply to everyone’s situation, so feel free to mix and match to best fulfill your own roommate needs! Never forget that you are a perfect angel and you have never done anything wrong, and I love you so much. Your roommate should have known better and it is 100% their fault for not being a fully developed person while in college. These should get them well on their way onto the street, especially if you can isolate them from everyone else they know!

Binzy Eggbag is incredible to live with. Let me in let me in let me in let me in let me in.