Drinking milk straight from the cow is so early 2000s. It’s 2019, and nearly everyone and their mother is drinking some form of non-dairy cow milk alternative, whether this is in the form of a soy latte or almond milk with your cereal in the morning. Not only can non-dairy milk be just as tasty as cow milk, but it’s also healthier for you, better for the cows and better for our environment! As the old adage goes, you are what you eat — in this case drink — so read on to find out what type of non-dairy milk you are.

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Soy milk: You’re a feminist who participated in UCSB’s first annual Women’s Empowerment Conference. You had not one, but two picket signs at this year’s Women’s March. While you’re definitely “woke” on today’s social justice issues, you’re also a proud sorority girl in line at Starbucks because who doesn’t love a venti skinny iced vanilla latte with light ice, sub non-fat milk with soy milk? These lattes give you an extra pep in your step as you continue to fight the patriarchy.


Almond milk: You’ve got the whole boy/girl-next-door charm going on, and you’re just the kind of person everyone wants to bring home to meet the parents. Well-known by your peers and well-rounded in academics, athletics and extracurriculars, you’ve perfected the act of juggling all of your responsibilities with your busy social life. In your free time, you enjoy cooking meals for the homeless, knitting blankets for the elderly and tutoring underprivileged children in S.T.E.M.


Coconut milk: Just like many people don’t realize the coconut is, botanically speaking, a fibrous one-seeded drupe and can be classified as a fruit, a nut and a seed, many people don’t realize that there’s more to you than what meets the eye. You have a lot to offer this world and would appreciate it if people stopped making assumptions about you. You’re fun! You like to crack jokes! You like to travel to exotic places! If more people took the time to know you, they would know this too.


Flax milk: You take health and fitness to the next level. Fast food? Never heard of her. Days off? The grind never stops. You work out five to seven days a week, and your meals mainly consist of sauteed vegetables dressed in olive oil and grilled chicken. Meal prepping is your religion, and you go to bed every Sunday with a refrigerator full of Tupperware for all your meals throughout the week. Through your dedication to your health, you’ve managed to reduce your risk of heart disease, cancer, stroke and diabetes by 93.62%. However, you do like to let loose every once in a while, and your go-to drinks on the weekend are White Claws and Boochcraft.


Oat milk: You’re a very reliable person with a comforting presence. Your hobbies include baking, crafting and home improvement. You went abroad and have never felt more at home than in Europe where you were immediately surrounded by your other like-minded oat milks. Upon returning to America, you can’t help but feel like something is missing. Still, as much as you loved the adventure of being abroad, you’re content to spend time with your friends and family.


Hemp milk: 4/20 is your favorite holiday, but why limit yourself to just one day? For you, every day is 4/20. You just bought a new bong to add to your collection and are an expert at rolling the perfect joint. You have a very laid back and carefree personality and a “life goes on” mentality. As your idol Bob Marley once said, “Don’t worry, be happy,” and you take his advice to heart. You probably own weed leaf socks.


Cashew milk: You and your fellow hazelnut and macadamia nut milks honestly feel a bit underappreciated. Why does almond milk get all the attention? You’re all practically related anyway. What gives?


Calista Liu
Calista Liu currently serves as Social Media Manager. In her free time, she enjoys reading, feeling the sun shine on her face and watching videos of chunky animals.