Anita Dee / Daily Nexus

Despite her unattainably high expectations for the opposite sex, third-year Mackenzie Carlton is confident that it is her time to find love. After re-downloading both Bumble and Tinder for the fourth time in the last three weeks, Carlton just “has a feeling” that her Gaucho in dingy board shorts will finally whisk her off her feet and ride into the sunset on rusted handlebars.    

“According to my horoscope, I already have at least 70 percent compatibility with four prospects I am almost certain I made eye contact with during lecture,” the romantic said. “One of them even told me I looked cute when we were blacked grinding on top of a table this weekend! I really think my love life is starting to look up!”

Carlton’s BFFL, who has been in a committed relationship for the past two years, is overly encouraging whenever her girl gets any form of male attention.

“Any guy would be BLESSED to date this mega babe!” the gal pal explained. “Hell, I’d date her if I wasn’t already ridiculously happy with my hunky pre-med boyfriend.”

Single and ready to mingle, down to clown and seekin’ to get a freakin’, Carlton cannot wait to meet her future mans. The unrealistic optimist is looking forward to the upcoming Thanksgiving, when she will hopefully tell her extended family that this time, she is in fact not joking about having a significant other.


Anita Dee recommends the organic chemistry series for anyone who is looking to get consistently fucked.