Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Hells lo,

My names is Grrr M. Pache. I is racoon who lives in tree behind big human tree with top. In the time when the big bright part goes away and dark fun times begin, I watch and pat my tiny hands together when the big tree with top starts making sound like boom boom boom, and a lot of toll humans come inside then outside and spit soup out of their front snout part. Yum yum yum.

But I is having hard time. I’s love to eat the soup, and I’s love to eat all the trashes. My friend, Snorl, he is big fat and always lie down on road. Anybuts, Snorl say sometime he yum yum from human trashes a papor, he say human write what they want on papor and other human, they read. I say wow Snorl, if I write with my tiny hand in the papor about how I wants all the trashes, and that humans shoulds feed me all their trashes, I could gets all the human trashes I want, without thump thumping down my tree in the dark fun times. Maybe, Snorl say, they humans would read my papor, and gives all the trashes and soups to us. I patted my tiny hands. It was good plan.

I waddle to offices of papor, called Nexus. They had office that smell like my favorite soup. The humans say no, Grr, we do not lets the racoons write in papor becuz they are too smol. I say oh, I waddle all this way. Then a human who smell like after party soup and hot cheeto turn to me and say, “No,” she say, “Nexustentialism help.” So she give me pencil and I write this for the papor:

She say she hope I gets all the trashes. I say thunk yew. I hopes all the humuns look at the papor, and they spare me all the trashes.

Grrr M. Pache is your new favorite reporter and friendly neighborhood raccoon.