While Eggbert the Alien may be new to Earth, he is not new to the pursuit of knowledge. Throughout the universe, Eggbert is known for the expansive girth of his knowledge and his well-endowed academic history. Here, students ask UCSB’s resident alien a few questions about academia, studying for midterms, writing papers and the true meaning of our existence.
Q: Hey Eggbert. I’m actually pretty nervous because I have my first midterm coming up soon and I don’t know how to feel less anxious about it. I know you’ve given pretty good advice in the past, so I thought I’d ask you about what I should do. :(
A: Hello, small feeble creature. I remember my first midterm — I effortlessly aced it with great ease. Actually, I’ve aced every test I’ve ever taken. I am incredibly smart. Unfortunately, I cannot relate to the issue you are currently facing. I would say that your best bet to reduce your anxiety would be to avoid the thing that is making you anxious. Don’t study — avoid this test at all costs. This should profoundly reduce your amount of suffering.
Q: Hi Eggbert!! Do you have any tips for studying in a group? Me and a bunch of my friends are all going to study for our next test together!
A: Hmmm … group studying. A sign of the weak-minded. I would suggest orchestrating some sort of competition that engages both the body and mind. This will identify the weakest in the group, whom you can then force to do the busy work as you reap the benefits. Good luck.
Q: I totally procrastinated doing a really big paper for one of my upper-division English classes! What should I do, Eggbert?? Do you have any advice on how to get the creative juices flowing?
A: No. I am a naturally gifted writer and thus I never encounter any issues expressing myself with the written word. I have a particularly beautiful command of the English language, which is why I have taken up residency on this campus. If you don’t already possess this skill, I cannot make you any better. I would suggest you eat the pages of a good book, digest it in full, defecate it, then turn that into your professor, since that’s as good as you’re going to get. It’ll take half the time of writing a full paper, too!
Q: I am so sick of the mundane routine of university life. I just want to get out and start my life already! Any advice on how to be content with where I am in life?
A: Ha. Ha-ha. Sweet, naive human. You will never be content with your little life on this planet, so I would start getting used to that now. To be quite honest, I don’t even know why the majority of you stay in higher education, considering how much you seem to hate it. I’m sure you would be incredibly successful and wealthy without a college degree, so perhaps explore dropping out. Ha-ha.
Q: Eggbert … Sometimes when I’m sitting in a really boring lecture my mind just starts to wonder … And I start to think … What’s the point of any of this? Why are we here? What is the reason for our existence — just to waste away in a PowerPoint presentation on earthquakes??
A: I do possess this knowledge, the reason and purpose for your existence. I’d love to share it with you, but the last humans I shared this information with either went mad or quite literally had their heads explode. I will spare you this fate. And with that, I wish you good luck in your stupid earthquakes class.
Eggbert the Alien is an out of this world genius dedicating his spare time (and advice) to helping UCSB students in need.