Denial: Pop open the champagne you planned to drink while celebrating #WithHer! Maybe this was all a bad dream. Maybe America’s groundbreaking stupidity isn’t revolutionizing history. Three sips in, the bubbles start tasting like lies and you simply cannot finish the bottle, which forces you to throw it into the trash, foam flying everywhere!
Anger: Buy a demoralizing 7-Eleven pizza — if you can even call it that — and drench it in Tapatío. Yes, let the flames ignite the fury within your taste buds. Perhaps the sizzling of the sauce can mask the true pain you’re feeling right now. Of course, all it’s really doing is melting your esophagus, no matter how hard you want it to reverse time and reswing votes.
Bargaining: Okay, if I buy 20 chicken nuggets from McDonald’s, will the fast food gods fill the hole in my heart? No? Okay, 25? 30? 50? How many carbohydrates and calories do I have to consume to feel numb? HOW MANY???
Depression: Let’s face it: At this point, your face is buried three pints deep in Ben & Jerry’s Americone Dream. Not even the chipper face of Stephen Colbert on the label and the fudge-covered waffle cone pieces can revive your spirit, which is in the trash along with your champagne.
Acceptance: Basically all you can do now is stay hydrated. The world may be ending, America may be “great again” — that’s for you to decide — but one thing is for sure: Keeping hydrated is the only healthy way to continue sobbing without inducing death.