courtesy of

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The insurgent Donald Trump has finally outlined what exactly he wants in exchange for American intellectualism, which he first took captive in June 2015. The guerilla has employed a variety of tactics, namely Twitter, to muster support of his crusade, saying things such as, “I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke,” and, “I would like to extend my best wishes to all, even the haters and losers, on this special date, September 11th.”

While a multitude of world leaders have championed for its release, many Americans have agreed never to “negotiate with terrorists,” while others report not being aware of its departure in the first place.

Vladimir Putin, one of Trump’s biggest advocators, has offered American intellectualism asylum in Moscow, so long that it agrees never to return to the U.S.

The list of demands, which Trump released in a series of 4 a.m. Tweets, have been edited for grammar and excessive capitalization:

  • Retroactive nomination (and granting) of “The Celebrity Apprentice“ for an Emmy in the category of “greatest show ever made, ever, in the history of television.”
  • At least two (2) of the top 10 rankings in Glamour’s 100 Hottest Men poll for his son Eric.
  • Acknowledgement by the American education system of Trump University as an Ivy League school.
  • Access to the White House P.A. system at least once a day.
  • Striking any history of his son Barron from the record, because he was “a mistake.”
  • Banishment of Rosie O’Donnell back to “the swamp, where she belongs.”

Mr. Trump has set today, Nov. 8, as the deadline to accept his demands. If his demands are met, he says, he will release his grasp on American intellectualism and cast his vote for Hillary Clinton.