Although technology has progressed rapidly over the past decade, the fact that I still have to get out of bed for my morning caffeine is proof enough that it has not progressed enough. For most of life’s little inconveniences, humankind has come up with genius solutions like blankets with sleeves or hot-dog-cutting robots, but the genius of the app market is still largely untapped. Sure, I can use my phone to pay a stranger with a car to come pick me up, but can it locate the nearest available dog for petting? I, for one, will not rest until these crucial applications are available to all who need them.
1.) Fiesta Tiempo/Party Time
Dilemma: You’re three shots in, but it’s only 8 p.m. and the party is supposed to start at 9. How many more shots will it take to make sure you aren’t sober by the time you get there?
Solution: Fiesta Tiempo calculates all the real life math you’ll ever need, and acts as the most important alarm clock you could ever use. By comparing your alcohol intake to your height, weight and age, it can tell you the exact amount you should intake for the prime level of pregaming. As the pre-party progresses, it will also let you know the best time to leave, considering time, distance and amount of alcohol left at the party. Later on in the evening, it will also notify you of optimal party leaving times, calculating traffic, pedestrians and Uber availability.
2.) Arbor Alarms
Dilemma: You’re just trying to get to your next class in peace when, in the span of 10 seconds, you’re assaulted by a recruiting frat bro, a political surveyor and a poster of a fetus. How will you make it through this socio-political activism nightmare?
Solution: Arbor Alarms is constantly updated with the names and locations of every org tabling between the library and Girvetz. Simplify your morning walk by using its helpful suggested shortcuts, or get notifications for giveaways and free promotions you actually care about. With Arbor Alarms, you’ll never miss another free slice of pizza or be assaulted by a religious fundamentalist ever again.
3.) Library Looker
Dilemma: It’s week 10, and some have taken to setting up camping gear in the library. Anyone who leaves their seat vacant for more than 30 seconds is eliminated Hunger Games style and immediately replaced by another contestant. How are you ever going to find the textbook you’ve been ignoring for nine weeks in this shit show?
Solution: All seats, outlets, tables and couches in the Davidson Library have been tagged with Library Looker’s patented sensors, triggered after 10 seconds of vacancy. Get notified for the prime time to swoop on a spot as its former owner heads home or even just takes a bathroom break. Paired with its compatible motion-sensing alarm seat cushion, you’ll have your dibs protected once you snag that last chair on the eighth floor.
4.) IVGPS [or I.V. GPS]
Dilemma: Your snapchat feed is full of sunset photos, cute dogs, free ice cream and pictures of your friends having way more fun than you. Your story has one picture of you, eating soup alone on a bench. How do you keep missing out on all the cool shit your friends are doing?
Solution: IVGPS is your all in one guide to every cool thing that happens in the 1.86 square miles that we call Isla Vista. Users can post alerts for any event, from parties, to dog sightings, to free food alerts. Get notifications for when an event is within a two-block radius, or set your distance even further to see what 68 block has to offer. Daily notifications for optimum sunset snapchat time is a popular, but optional setting.
5.) Frenemy Finder
Dilemma: Your roommate is never home when you need them, but always there when you don’t. For three lectures in a row, you’ve ended up sitting next to an asshole with no concept of elbow room. You keep missing your friends at the dining commons by five minutes. How you do locate the people you like and get away from the scumbags you seem to attract?
Solution: Frenemy Finder is more than just your average friend GPS locator. Its built-in morality judgement feature uses sophisticated dating website software to figure out how likely you are to hate or like a person. The finder will warn you as you approach someone with a low compatibility rating or high fuckboi score, but will guide you in the direction of your friends, acquaintances and hot singles in your area.